It wasn't too long ago that I had wondered how to incorporate paying student loans with serving and encouraging my sisters in Christ. Now, it appears that God is opening a door (or two) for this to happen. I am becoming a business woman. Weird right? Well, it's happening. I can't even begin to explain how many times each day I bounce between excitement and anxiety over this new adventure. This is a risk, especially with not getting many hours at the restaurant and having a few hundred dollars of loan payments due in a few weeks, but I know that God is in control and that I am joining a strong group of women who have walked this path before. This is something that excites me and causes me to process and plan in a way that I have not experienced since changing majors in college. The blend between excitement and anxiety is intimidating, but exhilarating. I am opening my own business, from this little house where I grew up and learned so many other life skills, and it's going to be a challenge.
Speaking of it being a challenge, this is not something that I can do on my own. Please pray for me as I embark on this journey and let me know if you would like to be involved in other ways as well. There are other ways to be involved, and if you would like to know more about those opportunities, please contact me (email, facebook, or cell phone) and I will be more than happy to share and discuss the possibilities.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Open Doors
It's no secret that sometimes I feel as though I'm walking down a dad end road, wondering when the opportunity to use the skills I learned in college will arise. Well, apparently, some of those opportunities are now being made known.
This past Sunday, my church held a Harvest Party as an alternative to halloween and trick-or-treating. Each year, the men have a chili cook-off, it's awesome! No really, a youth group member won this year, knocking out a reigning 3-4 year champion, it really is awesome! Anyways, backing up to the main point. Anyways, I was approached by the worship team leader about helping to coordinate and pull together the Christmas Eve service. In previous years, he and the worship team administrator have pulled it together, but the administrator doesn't have time this year. So, seeing as how I just graduated from a theatre program, they decided "hey, why not give her a platform to use her gifts and abilities to edify the church and glorify God?" So, I have now been asked to write the narration/story/script for the Christmas Eve service while the worship team leader works on the music aspect of the service, like recruiting a choir and pulling together the musical selections. Obviously, Christmas is is going to come up very, very quickly and there is not a lot of time to pull the service together.... BUT! I am very thankful for this opportunity to use the gifts that God has given and the skills that have been learned and practiced over the past four years! :D
In other news, one of my friends from school has recently been cast in the role of Mark Cohen in RENT! Yup, the awesome (though sometimes controversial) musical about artists, AIDS, and the new millennium. Remember, as the playwright and lyricist (Jonathan Larson) said and incorporated into the music: "The opposite of war isn't peace; it's creation!" Anywho, since he was recently cast as, essentially, the lead (because he narrates everything and is in most every scene) of the play...and because I did my final project for dramaturgy on this play, he said that we will probably be talking a lot in the near future. So excited for him to have this opportunity of playing the complex, adorable, quirky role of Mark! Also excited to have the opportunity and privilege of helping him develop characterization and gain knowledge of the history of the play!
God is so good!
This past Sunday, my church held a Harvest Party as an alternative to halloween and trick-or-treating. Each year, the men have a chili cook-off, it's awesome! No really, a youth group member won this year, knocking out a reigning 3-4 year champion, it really is awesome! Anyways, backing up to the main point. Anyways, I was approached by the worship team leader about helping to coordinate and pull together the Christmas Eve service. In previous years, he and the worship team administrator have pulled it together, but the administrator doesn't have time this year. So, seeing as how I just graduated from a theatre program, they decided "hey, why not give her a platform to use her gifts and abilities to edify the church and glorify God?" So, I have now been asked to write the narration/story/script for the Christmas Eve service while the worship team leader works on the music aspect of the service, like recruiting a choir and pulling together the musical selections. Obviously, Christmas is is going to come up very, very quickly and there is not a lot of time to pull the service together.... BUT! I am very thankful for this opportunity to use the gifts that God has given and the skills that have been learned and practiced over the past four years! :D
In other news, one of my friends from school has recently been cast in the role of Mark Cohen in RENT! Yup, the awesome (though sometimes controversial) musical about artists, AIDS, and the new millennium. Remember, as the playwright and lyricist (Jonathan Larson) said and incorporated into the music: "The opposite of war isn't peace; it's creation!" Anywho, since he was recently cast as, essentially, the lead (because he narrates everything and is in most every scene) of the play...and because I did my final project for dramaturgy on this play, he said that we will probably be talking a lot in the near future. So excited for him to have this opportunity of playing the complex, adorable, quirky role of Mark! Also excited to have the opportunity and privilege of helping him develop characterization and gain knowledge of the history of the play!
God is so good!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
"Guard Your Heart"
A lot of times, mainly in Christian circles, whenever someone says "guard your heart" it is in regards to relationships....and then begins the list of what to, and not to, do in order to achieve said guarding: Don't get too close. Do be careful. Don't give too much away. Do protect your emotions, etc. The list can be seemingly endless, and it certainly doesn't seem helpful to those who are single at the time. In the devotional that I am working through right now ("Single Purpose" by H. Norman Wright. Amazing. Get it.) there is a day with the title "Guard Your Heart." Naturally, growing up in the Christian community and knowing that this devotional is specifically geared towards singles, the list previously mentioned immediately started going through my mind, and I was tempted to skip to the next day's reading. However, that would have left a pit of guilt in my gut, even though God and I would be the only ones to know it was skipped, and so I read it anyway. It was greatly surprising how the author took a cliche phrase and turned it around to talk about worry, instead of directly talking about relationships. It was awesome! The whole reading was about protecting your heart from worry and becoming overwhelmed by worrisome thoughts instead of focusing on God and that He will provide His perfect peace to those who maintain a focus on Him.
Here is a little excerpt from the reading:
"Worry is best represented by the familiar scene at the Snake River in the Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming where colonies of beavers live along the riverbanks. Often you can see trees that are at various stages of being gnawed to the ground by the beavers. Some trees have slight rings around their trunks where these busy little animals have just begun to chew. Some manifest a barrenness where several inches of bark have been eaten away; others have already fallen to the ground because the beavers have gnawed through their trunks. Worry can have the same effect upon you. It can gradually eat away at your heart and mind until it has destroyed you!"
[SINGLE PURPOSE, H. Norman Wright. Page 45.]
Ok, I know that doesn't sound very encouraging. But reading this paragraph made me, a self-proclaimed worrier at heart, really stop and think about all the things that I let bother me when some of those things really don't matter. Oh, ok, so I may have made a tiny mistake at work. Whoops. "Mistakes can be fixed" as one of my co-workers told me in a pep talk. The devotional then points to Psalm 37, which is powerful!
"1FRET NOT yourself because of evildoers, neither be envious against those who work unrighteousness (that which is not upright or in right standing with God).
2For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
3Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
4Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.
5Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
6And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.
7Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.
8Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself--it tends only to evildoing.
9For evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait and hope and look for the Lord [in the end] shall inherit the earth.
10For yet a little while, and the evildoers will be no more; though you look with care where they used to be, they will not be found.[PSALM 37:1-10, AMP]
The devotional is quick to point out that this passage gives a substitute to worry; Rely on God. Trust in Him. Depend upon His peace. The challenge, and practical application, is to write "STOP!" in huge letters on one side of a note card. On the other side, to write Philippians 4:6-9, the whole text. Whenever you find yourself starting to worry, find a quite place, hold up the card with the "STOP!" side facing you, then turn it over and read the verses out loud. Do this twice. Of course, if you cannot find a quite place to be alone, you can still do this, through the book recommends doing it silently if you are in a group ;)
To be completely honest, I do struggle with worry....of many kinds. It could be worry about my own (physical) life, worry about others, worry about situations that may or may not happen, worry about finances, worry about family members' health, etc. It can be easy to be overcome with worry when looking at the grand scheme of things. Or, looking at one side of the grand scheme. When focusing on the REAL grand scheme of life, why worry about these things? Not to sound as though I don't care about financial independence or the well-being of my family, because I do care! My point is this: Worry is an attack on faith (something else the devotional pointed out in a different reading). Why would I worry about these things if I truly trusted that God is in control? Honestly, I probably wouldn't. Therefore, I am making a goal for myself, to actually make a personal STOP sign and carry it with me. At work, in the car, in airplane flights (goodness knows I worry about those!), everywhere. In fact, it is high on my to-do list for tomorrow. Considering that I am giving this challenge to myself, I would also like to give this challenge to everyone else who also struggles with worry (and most of us probably have at one time or another).
6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
7And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.[PHILIPPIANS 4:6-9, NASB]
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Extreme Makeover: Future Edition
It seems to be in the times of greatest confusion that people are most willing AND most reluctant to submit to God's plan. Let me explain... When we are confused, and honestly don't know what to do about a situation or what is going to happen next, how is there a way to prepare? Well, there really is not a way to prepare. So, because of this, it is easier to submit to God's plan because He has the best in mind for His children. At the same time, it is difficult to submit to His will, because of the not knowing what will happen next or how to prepare. After all, "it's my life, I know what's best for me"....right? SURE! Well, other than the reality that humans don't know everything, and the deeply significant theological fallacies of such thinking. Zing!
Last night was a difficult night to fall asleep quickly because I could not stop thinking about certain topics; namely, my future. As mentioned in previous writings, maybe this is partly attributed to knowing so many people who are getting married and finding positions in - or related to - their chosen careers. Working as a restaurant hostess isn't exactly why I went to college for four years, even though some would say it's completely in my league because of the whole theatre major aspect. Funny right? Maybe the first time a bit of "encouragement" is shared, but after a while, it becomes more discouraging. What am I doing with my life? Towards what goals and aspirations am I striving? Am I striving at all? What sets me apart from almost every other 20-something who has recently graduated from college and is living at home again while trying to get on her feet?
Before the weekend, I spent the day (quite literally!) with a wonderful friend from church. It started out as a lunch date, as usual, but then turned into an all-day date where we talked about nearly everything under the sun while caring after her adorable 13-month baby boy (who is growing WAY too fast, btw). We talked about how it can be so strange being right out of college and single (though she married soon after graduation), and how there are so many choices for women these days that, often times, we are not prepared to face. It seems like not too long ago that women were expected to be stay-at-home moms and homemakers, or to be a secretary. None of this variety that now exists for women! She and I talked about how we really need to make the most of the situations we are in, regardless of whether they are what we want to be doing for eternity, and not overlook the present for the sake of looking towards the future. We also need to be preparing for the future now, instead of just thinking "oh, I'll deal with that later when it happens." There is something to be said for planning in advance, even though there are situations that are nearly impossible to predict. That being said, we shouldn't let the planning ahead become obsessive or paranoid. The instances we discussed were more along the lines of preparing for what you would like to do/be in the future. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom and wife, why not experiment in cooking? And before anyone makes the argument that this comment is sexist, lets just step back and look at the reality that cooking is a skill that can be appreciated by all, regardless of their marital status. Cooking can be fun for some people, and others can enjoy from the practice, whether that is because you are hosting company or because you work as a chef. Cooking is appreciated by all. If you want to have a full-time career outside of the home, why not prepare for that career? Working on communication, organizational, leadership, and computer skills are requirements for a variety of different fields!
There seems to be such a delicate balance between trying to prepare for the future, and also being content in the present...something that I seem to struggle with, especially recently. Certainly, prepare for the future, but also make the most of those preparation situations and relationships that are formed throughout the learning and experimenting! Does that make sense?
While reading my devotional last night, there was an illustration from Dr. James Dobson that, basically, tells the story of a man who kept writing out his goals and his plans for his life. At the bottom of the page, he signed his name and said "Ok, God, here you go!" He didn't hear God respond, so he looked at the list again, thinking he missed something, and then gave it back to God again. Still....nothing. Then He heard God say to take paper and tear it. The moral of the story was that God doesn't want our lists of plans and ideas with our names signed at the bottom. Instead, God wants us to hand Him a piece of paper with nothing but our signatures, then He can fill in the blanks. Cliche? If so, only because people have probably heard this analogy before and have grown tired of hearing it repeatedly, labeling it trite. However, to the Christians who respond in this way, disregarding the wisdom of this story, I want to remind them of Psalm 55 8-9 which says "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Feel intimidated? Well, in one way I want to say "GOOD!" because God is way more powerful and mysterious than we can hope to fully comprehend. One the other hand, I offer this encouragement from Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Life is confusing. Let's not pretend that it is something different; God does not always tell us His plan in advance. However, let us never forget that, even though we may not know what exactly what is waiting in the future, He already has a plan. We just need to be ready and willing to follow. Whatever He plans.
"I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan, it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just
Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever
So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do...
Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever
I am not own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever"
~Whatever, Steven Curtis Chapman~
Last night was a difficult night to fall asleep quickly because I could not stop thinking about certain topics; namely, my future. As mentioned in previous writings, maybe this is partly attributed to knowing so many people who are getting married and finding positions in - or related to - their chosen careers. Working as a restaurant hostess isn't exactly why I went to college for four years, even though some would say it's completely in my league because of the whole theatre major aspect. Funny right? Maybe the first time a bit of "encouragement" is shared, but after a while, it becomes more discouraging. What am I doing with my life? Towards what goals and aspirations am I striving? Am I striving at all? What sets me apart from almost every other 20-something who has recently graduated from college and is living at home again while trying to get on her feet?
Before the weekend, I spent the day (quite literally!) with a wonderful friend from church. It started out as a lunch date, as usual, but then turned into an all-day date where we talked about nearly everything under the sun while caring after her adorable 13-month baby boy (who is growing WAY too fast, btw). We talked about how it can be so strange being right out of college and single (though she married soon after graduation), and how there are so many choices for women these days that, often times, we are not prepared to face. It seems like not too long ago that women were expected to be stay-at-home moms and homemakers, or to be a secretary. None of this variety that now exists for women! She and I talked about how we really need to make the most of the situations we are in, regardless of whether they are what we want to be doing for eternity, and not overlook the present for the sake of looking towards the future. We also need to be preparing for the future now, instead of just thinking "oh, I'll deal with that later when it happens." There is something to be said for planning in advance, even though there are situations that are nearly impossible to predict. That being said, we shouldn't let the planning ahead become obsessive or paranoid. The instances we discussed were more along the lines of preparing for what you would like to do/be in the future. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom and wife, why not experiment in cooking? And before anyone makes the argument that this comment is sexist, lets just step back and look at the reality that cooking is a skill that can be appreciated by all, regardless of their marital status. Cooking can be fun for some people, and others can enjoy from the practice, whether that is because you are hosting company or because you work as a chef. Cooking is appreciated by all. If you want to have a full-time career outside of the home, why not prepare for that career? Working on communication, organizational, leadership, and computer skills are requirements for a variety of different fields!
There seems to be such a delicate balance between trying to prepare for the future, and also being content in the present...something that I seem to struggle with, especially recently. Certainly, prepare for the future, but also make the most of those preparation situations and relationships that are formed throughout the learning and experimenting! Does that make sense?
While reading my devotional last night, there was an illustration from Dr. James Dobson that, basically, tells the story of a man who kept writing out his goals and his plans for his life. At the bottom of the page, he signed his name and said "Ok, God, here you go!" He didn't hear God respond, so he looked at the list again, thinking he missed something, and then gave it back to God again. Still....nothing. Then He heard God say to take paper and tear it. The moral of the story was that God doesn't want our lists of plans and ideas with our names signed at the bottom. Instead, God wants us to hand Him a piece of paper with nothing but our signatures, then He can fill in the blanks. Cliche? If so, only because people have probably heard this analogy before and have grown tired of hearing it repeatedly, labeling it trite. However, to the Christians who respond in this way, disregarding the wisdom of this story, I want to remind them of Psalm 55 8-9 which says "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Feel intimidated? Well, in one way I want to say "GOOD!" because God is way more powerful and mysterious than we can hope to fully comprehend. One the other hand, I offer this encouragement from Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Life is confusing. Let's not pretend that it is something different; God does not always tell us His plan in advance. However, let us never forget that, even though we may not know what exactly what is waiting in the future, He already has a plan. We just need to be ready and willing to follow. Whatever He plans.
"I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan, it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just
Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever
So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do...
Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever
I am not own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever"
~Whatever, Steven Curtis Chapman~
Monday, October 4, 2010
Lack of Contentment or Abundance of Purpose?
Something that I have been struggling with lately is whether or not I am, overall, lacking in contentment or just desiring to do something BIG in life because of the purpose that Christ has given to life? It is a difficult situation/existence to think about, especially since they can seem to be very similar in nature, until you reach the underlying issues. Let me provide some examples as to the situations that have caused this thought process....
The first, and obvious, observation: Weddings. Many of my friends are in very fulfilling and beautiful relationships. They range from dating to marriage and, from what I have observed, they are very God honoring. Am I happy/content with where my life stands right now? Well, it's really nice to not feel pressure to look a certain way for a significant other at the weddings, and to have the freedom of dancing like a maniac with a group of girls. Seriously! At the same time, during the slow dance songs, do I sit at the table and desire to dance with my husband to those types of songs? Well, duh! It is so obvious that the couples are in love by the way they dance together, hold each other, and look into each others eyes. Of course I long to share in a relationship like that with someone!
The second observation: Job(s). I am very thankful to have a job, even though there have been some times when I want to cry after a day of training. On one hand, I am very content to stay in this location, build up work credibility (considering I have not had much more than a summer job since high school), and decrease the amount of money I owe the government. On the other hand, I see my friends finding jobs in their desired fields (or at least related to their desired fields) while I am living at home, working as a restaurant hostess, and wondering how on earth I'll find the means and resources to achieve the dreams and goals that are set out before me.
Third observation: Restlessness. While this may seem like an automatic sign of discontent, could it not also be a sign of desiring to do something MORE in life than what I am currently doing from day-to-day? There is an overall desire to do something that is out of the ordinary, to be a part of something so much bigger than the day-to-day activities of running a few errands, going to work, and trying to make sure my grandma is doing alright. God has seemed to bless me the most, over the months since graduation and even before the summer, in ministry opportunities. I have been involved in ministries for almost as long as I can remember, even if it was just singing in the children's Christmas choir as a chubby-cheeked toddler. Over the past five months, I have been throwing myself into ministries, which has been amazing! Now that I have found a job, which is a blessing in it's own way, I feel trapped and boxed-in. It is like I do not feel the freedom to just pick up and go on ministry events. Weekend youth group activities? That doesn't work so well in the restaurant business, no matter how great an opportunity it is for the youth, and no matter how much I may want to go as well. Am I thankful for a job to help pay bills? Certainly. Do I also feel as though ministry sacrifices are already having to be made for the sake of this job? Absolutely.
Where is the line to be drawn between not being content and knowing that there is something more in life? Is there a clear line? Obviously, if there is something more in life, shouldn't we be in pursuit of attaining that "more" in the distance? If someone is pursuing that "more" they see, does it automatically equate to discontentment? I would surely hope not! If these are equal to each other, how could Paul, Timothy and the author of Hebrews tell us to be content, and that they have reached contentment in every situation? Certainly they did not give up on the calling the God of the Universe had placed over their lives! Where is the balance between contentment in the present, and the pursuit of God's call? Fisherman gave up all they had known - everything - in order to follow Jesus during His earthly ministry. At the same time, they held on to what they needed, what God had ordained they would need, in order to accomplish the plans that He had individually made for them. Even with trying to find the balance between contentment and pursuing my calling, I must ask similar questions. What am I willing to give up - even if it is treasured, considered valuable, or even viewed as a necessity? What am I willing to keep, even if it is like a "thorn in my side" (2 Cor. 12:6-8)?
The first, and obvious, observation: Weddings. Many of my friends are in very fulfilling and beautiful relationships. They range from dating to marriage and, from what I have observed, they are very God honoring. Am I happy/content with where my life stands right now? Well, it's really nice to not feel pressure to look a certain way for a significant other at the weddings, and to have the freedom of dancing like a maniac with a group of girls. Seriously! At the same time, during the slow dance songs, do I sit at the table and desire to dance with my husband to those types of songs? Well, duh! It is so obvious that the couples are in love by the way they dance together, hold each other, and look into each others eyes. Of course I long to share in a relationship like that with someone!
The second observation: Job(s). I am very thankful to have a job, even though there have been some times when I want to cry after a day of training. On one hand, I am very content to stay in this location, build up work credibility (considering I have not had much more than a summer job since high school), and decrease the amount of money I owe the government. On the other hand, I see my friends finding jobs in their desired fields (or at least related to their desired fields) while I am living at home, working as a restaurant hostess, and wondering how on earth I'll find the means and resources to achieve the dreams and goals that are set out before me.
Third observation: Restlessness. While this may seem like an automatic sign of discontent, could it not also be a sign of desiring to do something MORE in life than what I am currently doing from day-to-day? There is an overall desire to do something that is out of the ordinary, to be a part of something so much bigger than the day-to-day activities of running a few errands, going to work, and trying to make sure my grandma is doing alright. God has seemed to bless me the most, over the months since graduation and even before the summer, in ministry opportunities. I have been involved in ministries for almost as long as I can remember, even if it was just singing in the children's Christmas choir as a chubby-cheeked toddler. Over the past five months, I have been throwing myself into ministries, which has been amazing! Now that I have found a job, which is a blessing in it's own way, I feel trapped and boxed-in. It is like I do not feel the freedom to just pick up and go on ministry events. Weekend youth group activities? That doesn't work so well in the restaurant business, no matter how great an opportunity it is for the youth, and no matter how much I may want to go as well. Am I thankful for a job to help pay bills? Certainly. Do I also feel as though ministry sacrifices are already having to be made for the sake of this job? Absolutely.
Where is the line to be drawn between not being content and knowing that there is something more in life? Is there a clear line? Obviously, if there is something more in life, shouldn't we be in pursuit of attaining that "more" in the distance? If someone is pursuing that "more" they see, does it automatically equate to discontentment? I would surely hope not! If these are equal to each other, how could Paul, Timothy and the author of Hebrews tell us to be content, and that they have reached contentment in every situation? Certainly they did not give up on the calling the God of the Universe had placed over their lives! Where is the balance between contentment in the present, and the pursuit of God's call? Fisherman gave up all they had known - everything - in order to follow Jesus during His earthly ministry. At the same time, they held on to what they needed, what God had ordained they would need, in order to accomplish the plans that He had individually made for them. Even with trying to find the balance between contentment and pursuing my calling, I must ask similar questions. What am I willing to give up - even if it is treasured, considered valuable, or even viewed as a necessity? What am I willing to keep, even if it is like a "thorn in my side" (2 Cor. 12:6-8)?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Renovated Patience
With the recent end to what seemed like an eternal job search, my mind has been overwhelmed with thoughts of how patience and perseverance truly are blessings and times of God's teaching. Of course, with my witty nature and having fun looking up quotes to begin entries (though the search is not always fruitful), I went to google. Upon finding a page with some really insightful quotes on patience, it was a different quote that leaped off the page and into my brain.
Tertullian said, or wrote, "Hope is patience with the lamp lit."
This stood out to me for two completely different, yet related, reasons. On one level, it stood out because my middle name is Hope. Whenever I see quotes about hope, or indirectly talking about hope, it peaks my interest. i ponder the meaning and how it could possibly relate to my life, whether currently relating, or how I should incorporate the wisdom into my life (if it is worth the incorporation and does not go against the Biblical virtue).
The second reason this stood out to me is because of the mental picture that it creates. I see a house in the middle of a large field, with the dark sky above filled with stars shining in the night. In the front window, there is an oil lamp which can be seen from a far distance because there are no city lights to interfere with it's warmth. The lamp is lit because a young wife, eagerly awaiting the return of her soldier from war, lights it each night. Why? Because if that is the night, she wants her soldier to be greeted by the warm glow which beams through the night, as he returns home from the battleground.
I think of the young wife's dedication and commitment to making sure the lamp is waiting for her soldier. I think of the soldier returning from battle, after months and possibly years, and seeing the warm glow in the distance. What would be his reaction to seeing the warm glow, knowing that it must have been lit by his wife?
That kind of patience is amazing to me! Not because I can't imagine having that kind of patience and devotion, but because it is such an amazing and special commitment that the only word coming to mind is "amazing".
Life is difficult, even without being sent off (or having a loved one sent off) to war, and it can seem like an extreme battle due to internal and external circumstances. Knowing that someone is there, even if not necessarily waiting up, but leaving a sign for you, has to be one of the most reassuring feelings in the world. The one experience I have that is similar to this would be when I spent part of a weekend "homeless" for a class. It was supposed to be a literal 48 hours. Unfortunately, due to health issues, I was not able to last the full 48 hours, and returned to campus on the Saturday night, greeted by the warmth ad love of friends. I was overcome by commitment of the person who met me at the car and helped me walk inside the building, and more overcome by the gathering of friends to welcome me back...even though it was before the "scheduled" return. It was an amazing gift to have experienced that kind of love and commitment!
When I think of the mental picture described earlier, I think of a similar type of love and commitment to what I experienced after my early return....multiplied to infinity. To have the blessing of opportunity to keep a lamp lit for that special person in your life, to leave a physical symbol of the desire you have to see them return at the end of each day, is something that I hope and pray to experience. Someday, when God has brought the man into my life who desires to share in this experience (with me - not just someone in general), and I have the same desire to share this experience with him, that will be a beautiful day.
Obviously, there is not such a man in my life right now. Therefore, in the present, I must live with the hope that a man with this desire will be brought into my life. My light is burning, it is sitting in the window, and God will bring the right soldier into my life.
"Burn your fire on the altar/Leave a candle on the porch/I'm still too far away to see it/But I'm aching for its warmth/And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome/But still I hear your song inside/So sing it louder if you want me home tonight/Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight"
~Chris Rice, "Home Tonight"~
Tertullian said, or wrote, "Hope is patience with the lamp lit."
This stood out to me for two completely different, yet related, reasons. On one level, it stood out because my middle name is Hope. Whenever I see quotes about hope, or indirectly talking about hope, it peaks my interest. i ponder the meaning and how it could possibly relate to my life, whether currently relating, or how I should incorporate the wisdom into my life (if it is worth the incorporation and does not go against the Biblical virtue).
The second reason this stood out to me is because of the mental picture that it creates. I see a house in the middle of a large field, with the dark sky above filled with stars shining in the night. In the front window, there is an oil lamp which can be seen from a far distance because there are no city lights to interfere with it's warmth. The lamp is lit because a young wife, eagerly awaiting the return of her soldier from war, lights it each night. Why? Because if that is the night, she wants her soldier to be greeted by the warm glow which beams through the night, as he returns home from the battleground.
I think of the young wife's dedication and commitment to making sure the lamp is waiting for her soldier. I think of the soldier returning from battle, after months and possibly years, and seeing the warm glow in the distance. What would be his reaction to seeing the warm glow, knowing that it must have been lit by his wife?
That kind of patience is amazing to me! Not because I can't imagine having that kind of patience and devotion, but because it is such an amazing and special commitment that the only word coming to mind is "amazing".
Life is difficult, even without being sent off (or having a loved one sent off) to war, and it can seem like an extreme battle due to internal and external circumstances. Knowing that someone is there, even if not necessarily waiting up, but leaving a sign for you, has to be one of the most reassuring feelings in the world. The one experience I have that is similar to this would be when I spent part of a weekend "homeless" for a class. It was supposed to be a literal 48 hours. Unfortunately, due to health issues, I was not able to last the full 48 hours, and returned to campus on the Saturday night, greeted by the warmth ad love of friends. I was overcome by commitment of the person who met me at the car and helped me walk inside the building, and more overcome by the gathering of friends to welcome me back...even though it was before the "scheduled" return. It was an amazing gift to have experienced that kind of love and commitment!
When I think of the mental picture described earlier, I think of a similar type of love and commitment to what I experienced after my early return....multiplied to infinity. To have the blessing of opportunity to keep a lamp lit for that special person in your life, to leave a physical symbol of the desire you have to see them return at the end of each day, is something that I hope and pray to experience. Someday, when God has brought the man into my life who desires to share in this experience (with me - not just someone in general), and I have the same desire to share this experience with him, that will be a beautiful day.
Obviously, there is not such a man in my life right now. Therefore, in the present, I must live with the hope that a man with this desire will be brought into my life. My light is burning, it is sitting in the window, and God will bring the right soldier into my life.
"Burn your fire on the altar/Leave a candle on the porch/I'm still too far away to see it/But I'm aching for its warmth/And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome/But still I hear your song inside/So sing it louder if you want me home tonight/Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight"
~Chris Rice, "Home Tonight"~
Monday, September 6, 2010
Diverging Roads and Questions
Robert Frost has a famous poem that, essentially, says taking to road less traveled makes all the difference. The poem casts a positive light on this conclusion, which is possibly why so many Christians cling to it's sentiment with the same fervor they cling to the "Footprints" poem. However, the question must be asked, what happens when you take the "road less traveled" and it only causes more pain and grief? The argument could be made that this is still parallel to the Christian life, but at least with the Christian walk there is the promise of good things to come in the end. The situation that I am raising involves standing where the roads diverge. One road has caused pain in the past (though being less traveled by many people), and the other causing an equal amount of pain (though of a different nature) and being traveled by more people. What happens when both roads will cause an immense amount of pain and grief, just for different reasons. One for completely leaving some awesome things in the past, and the other for walking beside those memories, wondering if the hurt will turn around for good and reconciliation. Yes, taking the road overlooked by many others will still make "all the difference" in the grand scheme of life, but what if that "difference" is not in a positive light? Or the way it seems right now is not necessarily in a positive light, because you know all the pain that it has caused in the past?
I used to just follow the crowd in almost every decision throughout life. That is how I "survived" junior high and much of high school. I didn't know any better. Senior year, changes started to happen. My processing and evaluation skills were challenged beyond all reason, and I became determined to not cave under the pressure of what everyone else did, or thought that I should do. I challenged the waves of culture and voiced my opinion of values and ethics. I continued to do this throughout a lot of college, fighting to make my thoughts and views known, even though it caused some difficult in relationships. Some close friends thought I went off the deep end a few times. Had I gone that far? Maybe. Often times those misunderstandings were cleared up after further explaining a specific stance, though.
If I follow the road that others consider to be the "correct" road, even though it's the one that many people take, I will always wonder "what if...[this and that]?" I could end up with a lot of regret if things, somehow, turn around and I am not willing to give it a chance. However, if I follow the road that is "less traveled" by others, I know the pain that awaits. I am not unfamiliar with this pain, in fact, this pain and I have gotten to know each other quite well over the past few years of tear-stained pillows. There is also the chance that I will miss a different opportunity by following this road. Both roads will cause pain. Both roads will include many nights of crying. Both roads could mean a loss of some kind. So I guess it comes down to this: when the pros and cons of each road balance out to the same result, what is someone supposed to do? Pray? Yes. And what about when God is silent? I desire to do what is right. When is taking the "road less traveled" wrong?
I used to just follow the crowd in almost every decision throughout life. That is how I "survived" junior high and much of high school. I didn't know any better. Senior year, changes started to happen. My processing and evaluation skills were challenged beyond all reason, and I became determined to not cave under the pressure of what everyone else did, or thought that I should do. I challenged the waves of culture and voiced my opinion of values and ethics. I continued to do this throughout a lot of college, fighting to make my thoughts and views known, even though it caused some difficult in relationships. Some close friends thought I went off the deep end a few times. Had I gone that far? Maybe. Often times those misunderstandings were cleared up after further explaining a specific stance, though.
If I follow the road that others consider to be the "correct" road, even though it's the one that many people take, I will always wonder "what if...[this and that]?" I could end up with a lot of regret if things, somehow, turn around and I am not willing to give it a chance. However, if I follow the road that is "less traveled" by others, I know the pain that awaits. I am not unfamiliar with this pain, in fact, this pain and I have gotten to know each other quite well over the past few years of tear-stained pillows. There is also the chance that I will miss a different opportunity by following this road. Both roads will cause pain. Both roads will include many nights of crying. Both roads could mean a loss of some kind. So I guess it comes down to this: when the pros and cons of each road balance out to the same result, what is someone supposed to do? Pray? Yes. And what about when God is silent? I desire to do what is right. When is taking the "road less traveled" wrong?
Monday, August 23, 2010
James = Testing
Personal experience would stand to reason that whenever the book of James is being studied - be it in church, youth group, campus Bible study, wherever - my life will automatically be turned upside down and many emotional happenings will take place very close together. Well, a few weeks ago, guess what my church just started as their new series? If you guess James, you would be absolutely correct! If your first thought was "uh oh, she's going through a lot right now!" Well, you would also be correct.
Shortly before the series is James began, I heard that my cousin is going through a sex change. After that, it became increasingly evident that I am (apparently) the one family member who is not ready to completely disown him for his decision. More recently, there was quite the falling out with someone (who will remain anonymous) who had been considered a friend for years. It was very painful, and still is, and now there is the process of working through the grief of losing the friendship and reaching the point of forgiveness. It's not easy, nor do I think it will happen quickly.
It would be extremely easy to sit here, in Panera Bread, stewing over what happened (in both situations) and just letting bitterness get the better of me. That has already happened on at least one occasion and a friend had to call me out of needing an attitude adjustment. Instead, I sit here feeling a bit numb. Not knowing what to think of everything that has happened, and wondering what is going to happen next. I know that God can use these situations as learning experiences and turn them around (even if just in my attitude) to show His gory and goodness. God can use any situation in our lives to reveal more of His character....if we let Him. That is one of the most difficult things. We have to be open to God using our pain, using our weakness, and even using our flaws in order to bring our focus back to Him and His majesty. Being open means the possibility of exposing ourselves to more pain. Not because God is psychotic or taking joy in seeing us suffer. No, not because of that at all. Instead, it is like He is sending us through the fire, the testing, so that we will come out the other side looking even more like His image. He knows it hurts. He knows it's not easy. He understands all of this. He also understands that we are not, right now, as we were created to be. If we were, there wouldn't be sin in the world. There wouldn't be pain in the first place.
If my life is going to be repeatedly turned upside down and turned to ashes throughout the study of James. Well, I guess that says something about what I have used to build my life. If these times of testing truly turn my entire life into ashes, then what have I done to build up the Kingdom of God? If my entire life is burnt up, what have I invested in that is worthwhile? Where should I have been investing time, if these places were not accurate? These are the questions that I face. These are the questions that I wrestle. These are the times that feel so blinded by the world that I cannot see Gods hand in the midst of the suffering. These are the times that I need Him more than ever. These are the times when He will prove to be faithful.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Shortly before the series is James began, I heard that my cousin is going through a sex change. After that, it became increasingly evident that I am (apparently) the one family member who is not ready to completely disown him for his decision. More recently, there was quite the falling out with someone (who will remain anonymous) who had been considered a friend for years. It was very painful, and still is, and now there is the process of working through the grief of losing the friendship and reaching the point of forgiveness. It's not easy, nor do I think it will happen quickly.
It would be extremely easy to sit here, in Panera Bread, stewing over what happened (in both situations) and just letting bitterness get the better of me. That has already happened on at least one occasion and a friend had to call me out of needing an attitude adjustment. Instead, I sit here feeling a bit numb. Not knowing what to think of everything that has happened, and wondering what is going to happen next. I know that God can use these situations as learning experiences and turn them around (even if just in my attitude) to show His gory and goodness. God can use any situation in our lives to reveal more of His character....if we let Him. That is one of the most difficult things. We have to be open to God using our pain, using our weakness, and even using our flaws in order to bring our focus back to Him and His majesty. Being open means the possibility of exposing ourselves to more pain. Not because God is psychotic or taking joy in seeing us suffer. No, not because of that at all. Instead, it is like He is sending us through the fire, the testing, so that we will come out the other side looking even more like His image. He knows it hurts. He knows it's not easy. He understands all of this. He also understands that we are not, right now, as we were created to be. If we were, there wouldn't be sin in the world. There wouldn't be pain in the first place.
If my life is going to be repeatedly turned upside down and turned to ashes throughout the study of James. Well, I guess that says something about what I have used to build my life. If these times of testing truly turn my entire life into ashes, then what have I done to build up the Kingdom of God? If my entire life is burnt up, what have I invested in that is worthwhile? Where should I have been investing time, if these places were not accurate? These are the questions that I face. These are the questions that I wrestle. These are the times that feel so blinded by the world that I cannot see Gods hand in the midst of the suffering. These are the times that I need Him more than ever. These are the times when He will prove to be faithful.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Friday, August 6, 2010
"I Know, BUT..."
How many times do we say this in our day-to-day interactions? How many times do we start making a statement, and then completely disregard the first half by saying "but" before the second?
"I really like this, but..."
"I would, but..."
"Trust me, but..."
"I understand, but..."
"It would fit, but..."
"It was great, but..."
"I love [them], but..." (ouch!)
Perhaps one of the most difficult to hear, though sometimes easiest to say, is "I know God will, but..." How can we even justify this? Honestly, we can't. Either trust that God WILL do something or that He WON'T! Some could think that this is more simple to say than do, and there are many who could try to build that case. However, when someone says "I know that God will, but..." what often follows?
"...but this time is different."
"...but I just don't understand."
"...but I can't keep holding on."
"...but He isn't answering my prayers."
"...but it feels like He's left me."
"...but it's so scary."
"...but when?"
Can times be different than before? Yes. Can we be confused about life? Yes. Is God sometimes (seemingly) "silent" or "distant" from us? Yes. Are there times when life is scary and we wonder when God will "come through" and rescue us? Yes. Emotions should not be completely disregarded or called stupid. My point is that emotions should not be used to determine whether or not God is sovereign. God is not controlled by our emotions any more than rising and setting of the sun is controlled by our emotions (aka, never!). God IS sovereign. He DOES have our best interest in mind. He IS with us. He IS holding us. Even when we feel alone and scared, HE IS in control. Period.
"I really like this, but..."
"I would, but..."
"Trust me, but..."
"I understand, but..."
"It would fit, but..."
"It was great, but..."
"I love [them], but..." (ouch!)
Perhaps one of the most difficult to hear, though sometimes easiest to say, is "I know God will, but..." How can we even justify this? Honestly, we can't. Either trust that God WILL do something or that He WON'T! Some could think that this is more simple to say than do, and there are many who could try to build that case. However, when someone says "I know that God will, but..." what often follows?
"...but this time is different."
"...but I just don't understand."
"...but I can't keep holding on."
"...but He isn't answering my prayers."
"...but it feels like He's left me."
"...but it's so scary."
"...but when?"
Can times be different than before? Yes. Can we be confused about life? Yes. Is God sometimes (seemingly) "silent" or "distant" from us? Yes. Are there times when life is scary and we wonder when God will "come through" and rescue us? Yes. Emotions should not be completely disregarded or called stupid. My point is that emotions should not be used to determine whether or not God is sovereign. God is not controlled by our emotions any more than rising and setting of the sun is controlled by our emotions (aka, never!). God IS sovereign. He DOES have our best interest in mind. He IS with us. He IS holding us. Even when we feel alone and scared, HE IS in control. Period.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tests, Trials and Economics
Have you ever felt as though no matter how much effort and work you put into making improvements, be it in life or just around your living space, that you still come up...short? What about the times when it has felt like you're just existing, but without any rhyme of reason, and then a curve ball knocks you off your feet? This is one of those times, in many ways.
Living at home after graduating from college can certainly be a challenge. Trying to find a job when feeling pressure to pursue what you thought was going to come from attending a talent showcase, and the person isn't responding to any form of communication, only adds to the challenge. "I want to know what happened to [insert name here]"...thanks, Mom. Considering that he hasn't returned any emails, and obviously has received them because I never received "an angry email" for not emailing him in the first place, I don't really give a care about "what happened to [him]." Why should my life go on hold for someone who built up my hopes of a possible career, in a city I don't even want to move to, when he obviously has no intention of actually working with me? Oh right, I shouldn't. No regrets about attending the showcase are involved. It was still a really good experience with lots of tips to implement.
But what happens next? Standard job searching, just like most people in the country. And, just like most people in the country, there is a lack of success (or even promising leads) in this market. Oh the economy. Of course very few people are going to be hiring new employees when the economy is tanked. Why would they spend more money on employees when they need to be focusing on making sales goals? Oh right, they wouldn't. Heh, yay economy. But, of course, the government isn't going to like receiving a call from me saying "Yeah, I need that deferment option for unemployment... Mhmm... Yes, I know that the President has 'saved jobs' in America... Yes, I've heard that many times... You see the problem is that these jobs aren't anywhere near where I live, or within my qualifications... Yeah... Thanks."
Obama said he wouldn't rest "until everyone in America is employed"... Well, maybe if he started actually making good changes and did things to give the unemployed Americans hope, instead of playing golf and vacationing all the time, the rate of unemployment would drop and his approval ratings would increase. But maybe that's just the opinion of a cynical, unemployed, recent college grad.
Living at home after graduating from college can certainly be a challenge. Trying to find a job when feeling pressure to pursue what you thought was going to come from attending a talent showcase, and the person isn't responding to any form of communication, only adds to the challenge. "I want to know what happened to [insert name here]"...thanks, Mom. Considering that he hasn't returned any emails, and obviously has received them because I never received "an angry email" for not emailing him in the first place, I don't really give a care about "what happened to [him]." Why should my life go on hold for someone who built up my hopes of a possible career, in a city I don't even want to move to, when he obviously has no intention of actually working with me? Oh right, I shouldn't. No regrets about attending the showcase are involved. It was still a really good experience with lots of tips to implement.
But what happens next? Standard job searching, just like most people in the country. And, just like most people in the country, there is a lack of success (or even promising leads) in this market. Oh the economy. Of course very few people are going to be hiring new employees when the economy is tanked. Why would they spend more money on employees when they need to be focusing on making sales goals? Oh right, they wouldn't. Heh, yay economy. But, of course, the government isn't going to like receiving a call from me saying "Yeah, I need that deferment option for unemployment... Mhmm... Yes, I know that the President has 'saved jobs' in America... Yes, I've heard that many times... You see the problem is that these jobs aren't anywhere near where I live, or within my qualifications... Yeah... Thanks."
Obama said he wouldn't rest "until everyone in America is employed"... Well, maybe if he started actually making good changes and did things to give the unemployed Americans hope, instead of playing golf and vacationing all the time, the rate of unemployment would drop and his approval ratings would increase. But maybe that's just the opinion of a cynical, unemployed, recent college grad.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Mind the Gap!
When someone feels a calling, a desire, and it does not go away for a number of years, there is a good chance that it is there to stay. Unfortunately, the place that should be resourceful and the most welcoming of such heartfelt desires (the Church) can often be the place where someone falls through the cracks. Many young adults, male and female, do not have a place to "fit" between high school graduation and mid- to late-twenties. Why is this? Does Christ not have a place and a purpose for their lives too? Are they, for some reason, considered to be less valuable to the overall Church body and gathering of Believers? This is the time when most young adults "fall away" from their faith, because they are forced to make a decision as to whether that faith is their own, or their parents'. Where is the Church meeting this need?
There are some churches which hold small group meetings and Bible studies for ages 18-25, but word quickly travels that they feel more like matchmaking services than anything else. At least, that's how it seems in the North East.
Christ had a desire during His earthly ministry, too. When others would push the younger generations (specifically children) away, He said "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Mark 10:14-15, NASB) Jesus also prayed that Christians would be one as He and the Father, God, are one (John 17, NASB).
How is the Church united, as Jesus prayed, while the next generation is being pushed away?
There are some churches which hold small group meetings and Bible studies for ages 18-25, but word quickly travels that they feel more like matchmaking services than anything else. At least, that's how it seems in the North East.
Christ had a desire during His earthly ministry, too. When others would push the younger generations (specifically children) away, He said "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Mark 10:14-15, NASB) Jesus also prayed that Christians would be one as He and the Father, God, are one (John 17, NASB).
How is the Church united, as Jesus prayed, while the next generation is being pushed away?
God Never Wastes a Hurt....Or Challenge
It's really no secret that I have experienced a lot of hurt in life, or that it has been a long journey from college freshman to college graduate. This journey was long because of pride, shame, fear, and scars. Looking back on the first semester of college, I was very....fearful. This was not fear of being in a new place, but rather fear of being "discovered" and that people would see through my mask of being happy. Did I like the school? Yes, absolutely! The problem was that I was hiding, and still wrestling with, very tender issues. I was scared that people would be able to see through the exterior facade and see the interior darkness. I was not following God the way I should have been. I was not being honest with very many people. I was not being honest with myself. Throughout the following years, I would be forced into situations that would break down walls I had hidden behind for a long time. Leading up to graduation, and in more recent times following graduation, many people commented that I have "changed so much" and that I am "not the same person." These are comments that I have thought before, but to hear others confirm the ideas and notions is reassuring.
Now that graduation has passed, though it is still close, I can still see how God is using the hurts from the past in order to transform me into His image. Bold. Strong, if not in emotions and physique, in opinion and values. Contemplative. Free. These are just a few of the adjectives that could be used now, which could not really be used a few years ago. With all of these changes, it seems as though a new challenge is in line for the "next step" of life. Admitting this is a bit intimidating, in a sense, because I have the tendency of being a creature of habit. I like knowing if there is a plan. If a plan does exist, I like to know details, or at least some concepts and landmarks. But, God does not work on my timetable, nor does He do things according to my ideal plan. Believe me, it doesn't happen. Many situations have taught me this, sometimes in very difficult and brutal ways (remember: pride, shame, fear and scars). Throughout this learning process, God has used my personal experiences in order to help others through their difficult times. He has used my pain to provide different perspectives on life. He has used my pain to show me true freedom from the past, and that is a beautiful thing!
So where does the challenge come in to all of this? Well, as if wrestling with my own past and forcing myself to face certain forms of ugliness and evil weren't enough, there is a new challenge that has risen out of this journey. That challenge is this: So what? So. What. What am I going to do with this journey? Where can I fuel these realizations into a ministry of service to the rest of the Church? Very good questions that I think we all need to answer in order to continually serve the Body of Christ. My answer? What am I going to do? Right now, I am looking into graduate schools offering programs in leadership and ministry. Why? Because there is an entire people group that is being lost within the Church; the teenage girls and young women who experience excruciating pain and turn to alternatives of dealing with this pain. I have witnessed too many fall through the cracks because of eating disorders, self-injury, drug addiction, depression, alcoholism, etc. It's time something was done. It's time young women had a safe, secure place to turn for assistance and support in overcoming these hurdles, without only hearing they need to "read the Bible and pray more" or having their salvation called into question. It's time they had a place to turn for a holistic approach to ministry, not just putting a band-aid over the gaping wound, but dealing with the infection which has caused the sore. It's time.
We all have passions. (What are you passionate about?) We all have a calling according to God's plan. (Where do you see a need that is being neglected?) This is mine. (What's yours?)
Now that graduation has passed, though it is still close, I can still see how God is using the hurts from the past in order to transform me into His image. Bold. Strong, if not in emotions and physique, in opinion and values. Contemplative. Free. These are just a few of the adjectives that could be used now, which could not really be used a few years ago. With all of these changes, it seems as though a new challenge is in line for the "next step" of life. Admitting this is a bit intimidating, in a sense, because I have the tendency of being a creature of habit. I like knowing if there is a plan. If a plan does exist, I like to know details, or at least some concepts and landmarks. But, God does not work on my timetable, nor does He do things according to my ideal plan. Believe me, it doesn't happen. Many situations have taught me this, sometimes in very difficult and brutal ways (remember: pride, shame, fear and scars). Throughout this learning process, God has used my personal experiences in order to help others through their difficult times. He has used my pain to provide different perspectives on life. He has used my pain to show me true freedom from the past, and that is a beautiful thing!
So where does the challenge come in to all of this? Well, as if wrestling with my own past and forcing myself to face certain forms of ugliness and evil weren't enough, there is a new challenge that has risen out of this journey. That challenge is this: So what? So. What. What am I going to do with this journey? Where can I fuel these realizations into a ministry of service to the rest of the Church? Very good questions that I think we all need to answer in order to continually serve the Body of Christ. My answer? What am I going to do? Right now, I am looking into graduate schools offering programs in leadership and ministry. Why? Because there is an entire people group that is being lost within the Church; the teenage girls and young women who experience excruciating pain and turn to alternatives of dealing with this pain. I have witnessed too many fall through the cracks because of eating disorders, self-injury, drug addiction, depression, alcoholism, etc. It's time something was done. It's time young women had a safe, secure place to turn for assistance and support in overcoming these hurdles, without only hearing they need to "read the Bible and pray more" or having their salvation called into question. It's time they had a place to turn for a holistic approach to ministry, not just putting a band-aid over the gaping wound, but dealing with the infection which has caused the sore. It's time.
We all have passions. (What are you passionate about?) We all have a calling according to God's plan. (Where do you see a need that is being neglected?) This is mine. (What's yours?)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Lessons from the Sower
Since graduation, my life has become 100% about ministry in the church, and it's kinda crazy. Three out of the seven days in a week are spent doing something ministry related. One of those days, Sunday, has more than one ministry on the same day. Most people would look at this and say "you're crazy! Aren't you burning out?" Well, to be honest....I love it! Being able to serve with others is an amazing privilege. One that I would not wish to trade. Unfortunately, it may become more difficult to be so heavily involved in ministry once I find a job (sad day), but in order to keep ministering in such ways, a source of income will be needed! At some point over this next year, I am likely to become more involved in ministries as well. I have been approached to possibly help with a drama ministry, and also know that Dove Singers will begin in January and run through April (two Sundays before Easter). My life is about to be completely consumed with ministry, and the part that hurts the most is knowing that something may need to be cut back with the addition of a job...whenever that happens.
Tuesday night, I was struck with this even a bit more during the Youth Bible study. The group has been going over Bible study fundamentals (observation, interpretation, application), and this past Tuesday was the application night. It was great to hear some of the questions and comments that were raised and shared.
Tuesday night we were discussing Matthew 13, specifically the parable of the sower and the seeds. Here is a copy of the text (Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23. NIV):
First, the sower didn't stop and think about whether the soil was "ready" for the "seed" in any of these instances. He went out and did his job of sowing the seeds on all soil. How many times, as Christians, do we sit back wondering if a person is ready to hear the Gospel? Unfortunately, I would say too many times... The sower went out, did his job, and left the individual responsibility up to the individuals.
Second, and this will sound similar to the first in the beginning, the seeds were sown everywhere...no matter what. This reminds me of the passage where it says "man is left without excuse" (Rom. 1:20). The evidence of God is everywhere; in creation, in beauty, in people (we are all made in HIS image), and it should be in the lives of those who love Him. The attitudes and behaviors of Christians should also be such that people are left without an excuse. Yeah, that's not convicting at all....
Third, verse 9 ends by saying "he who has ears, let him hear." This is again said at the end of the seven letters to the seven churches in Revelation. I'm not entirely sure what the parallel between Matthew and Revelation would be, but I do know that this (once again) places the responsibility on the individual. The Truth is displayed for all to see, but it is up to each person as to whether the grasp the Truth, and then it is up to the individual as to what they do with the Truth. Much like the seeds and the soil in the parable, itself. Hmm, full circle, double smack upside the head, anyone?
Fourth, have you ever considered the size of a seed? I realize that different types of seeds come in different sizes. For example, a squash seed is far smaller than a pumpkin seed. I get that.... But have you ever considered the size of a seed, any kind of seed, to the size of a weed? Or perhaps the size of a garden? Or maybe even the size of road? Some roads stretch clear across the country! If seeds are to be planted, and to grab people's attention and make them go "oh what's this?" shouldn't those seeds be rather....potent? Shouldn't those seeds be some of the most interesting seeds ever? Then what are we doing, as Christians, sitting around and not getting outside of our own doors and interacting with people?? No wonder the world thinks we're so mysterious and almost like a cult! Along with this, the sower had to go out! He didn't wait for the soil to come to him! Oh no, he went out into the world of soil and said "here, if you're interested, this seed will be sitting here. If not, well, someone else will take it, I'm sure."
Fifth, we need to be tending to our own gardens, as well as sowing seeds, to make sure that we do not become overrun with weeds and thorns. We need to make sure that, as we are sowing seeds, we are not allowing our own gardens to be polluted by things that will choke out our plants. We are commanded to be ready to give answer as to the hope that we have (1 Peter 3:15), how are we supposed to be ready if our roots have become shallow and our gardens have been overrun by thorny weeds?
Brothers and sisters, we have been called to be in the world, but not of the world. Please, let us sow the seeds of His Word without hesitation. Let us stop living in such a way that gives men an excuse for not encountering Christ. And let us hold each other accountable for tending to our gardens.
Let us do as we have been called. Let us be the Church. Let us be found faithful.
Tuesday night, I was struck with this even a bit more during the Youth Bible study. The group has been going over Bible study fundamentals (observation, interpretation, application), and this past Tuesday was the application night. It was great to hear some of the questions and comments that were raised and shared.
Tuesday night we were discussing Matthew 13, specifically the parable of the sower and the seeds. Here is a copy of the text (Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23. NIV):
"That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop - a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear. ... ... Listen to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."Alright, without going through all of the individual steps of Bible study right here, I'd like to share what stands out to me in this passage.
First, the sower didn't stop and think about whether the soil was "ready" for the "seed" in any of these instances. He went out and did his job of sowing the seeds on all soil. How many times, as Christians, do we sit back wondering if a person is ready to hear the Gospel? Unfortunately, I would say too many times... The sower went out, did his job, and left the individual responsibility up to the individuals.
Second, and this will sound similar to the first in the beginning, the seeds were sown everywhere...no matter what. This reminds me of the passage where it says "man is left without excuse" (Rom. 1:20). The evidence of God is everywhere; in creation, in beauty, in people (we are all made in HIS image), and it should be in the lives of those who love Him. The attitudes and behaviors of Christians should also be such that people are left without an excuse. Yeah, that's not convicting at all....
Third, verse 9 ends by saying "he who has ears, let him hear." This is again said at the end of the seven letters to the seven churches in Revelation. I'm not entirely sure what the parallel between Matthew and Revelation would be, but I do know that this (once again) places the responsibility on the individual. The Truth is displayed for all to see, but it is up to each person as to whether the grasp the Truth, and then it is up to the individual as to what they do with the Truth. Much like the seeds and the soil in the parable, itself. Hmm, full circle, double smack upside the head, anyone?
Fourth, have you ever considered the size of a seed? I realize that different types of seeds come in different sizes. For example, a squash seed is far smaller than a pumpkin seed. I get that.... But have you ever considered the size of a seed, any kind of seed, to the size of a weed? Or perhaps the size of a garden? Or maybe even the size of road? Some roads stretch clear across the country! If seeds are to be planted, and to grab people's attention and make them go "oh what's this?" shouldn't those seeds be rather....potent? Shouldn't those seeds be some of the most interesting seeds ever? Then what are we doing, as Christians, sitting around and not getting outside of our own doors and interacting with people?? No wonder the world thinks we're so mysterious and almost like a cult! Along with this, the sower had to go out! He didn't wait for the soil to come to him! Oh no, he went out into the world of soil and said "here, if you're interested, this seed will be sitting here. If not, well, someone else will take it, I'm sure."
Fifth, we need to be tending to our own gardens, as well as sowing seeds, to make sure that we do not become overrun with weeds and thorns. We need to make sure that, as we are sowing seeds, we are not allowing our own gardens to be polluted by things that will choke out our plants. We are commanded to be ready to give answer as to the hope that we have (1 Peter 3:15), how are we supposed to be ready if our roots have become shallow and our gardens have been overrun by thorny weeds?
Brothers and sisters, we have been called to be in the world, but not of the world. Please, let us sow the seeds of His Word without hesitation. Let us stop living in such a way that gives men an excuse for not encountering Christ. And let us hold each other accountable for tending to our gardens.
Let us do as we have been called. Let us be the Church. Let us be found faithful.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I've heard it so many times....
"You can't steer a car that's not moving."
"You can't sail a ship that's not sailing."
No matter how you phrase it, the point is this: If you are stagnant, not moving, how are you going to know where to go? I have heard it a lot over this past year, and then heard it a bit more over this past week when visiting friends in Colorado. The reasoning behind it is understandable, and even more with getting used to driving a stick-shift car, but sometimes I get stuck in a rut of comfort.
Throughout this past year at school, I started to second guess the idea of going to grad school. Last summer, it sounded great! If I'm good at something (being a student), why stop? It seems logical, right? But then senior year started and I quickly started to burn out on academia and just lived for the weekend, the next break, the afternoon nap where I could shut off my brain...something that didn't require a lot of thinking of productivity. Some people would blame this on senioritis, or just laziness, and it could be chalked up to that in a lot of cases. But I notice a distinct pattern in my life: I like comfort! Comfort is awesome, and can be found in many places. A good cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate, a good book/play, a favorite movie, your favorite scented candle, a fuzzy blanket, a good conversation, a prayer, a bear hug from a good friend, a back massage, a bubble bath.... The list could go on and on, and I definitely like comfort. But sometimes I wonder if this could be a bad thing. Everyone needs a little comfort now and then, but when comfort becomes the norm, does it lose its comforting effect? If you always watch the same movie for a sense of comfort, wouldn't it get redundant after a while, and not really comfort you when you feel like a tornado just destroyed your life?
Grad school had become a comfort idea. I mean, after 16+ years of school with high school and summer jobs sprinkled throughout the experience, school had become comfortable. Get up, go to class (if there was one before chapel), go to chapel, go to more classes, eat lunch, go to class, go to the dorm, work on homework or sleep, go to dinner/chill with friends, do homework, watch a movie, go to sleep (maybe). Repeat 5 days of the week, maintain a (not so) steady diet of cafeteria food, and *poof* you are a college student. After a while it just become routine. Predictable. You expect to have class in the mornings and afternoons, you expect to have chapel at 10am Monday through Friday, you expect to either spend time with friends or do homework over the weekend. It's all routine. Nothing by routine. Especially by the time of senior year. This is why I was hesitant to continue thinking about, and pursuing, grad school. Was I just wanting more routine? Was I just wanting more predictability? Those ideas quickly went away.
Now it's after graduation. I'm sitting here in my room, still unemployed, following the predictable schedule of volunteering at church with the music team and youth group. Why? Well, because I love volunteering in those positions. Also because some people would probably cry if I didn't help in some respect. But it's routine. If I could live like this for the rest of my life, would I? Nope. Because at this point, I have been so trained to be active, even if in a routine of the same approximate schedule every day, that I cannot stand sitting around home. "Get a job" some of you may be saying. Well, that's a bit easier said than done. In case you hadn't looked recently, the job market sucks. I mean, it royally sucks. "Something is better than nothing." Well, that may be true for some people, but I don't want to do just "something." I want to be a part of something great. Something awesome. Something so big that I know it has to be God orchestrating everything, and not me taking things into my own hands and playing with the clay of my future. Nope, I need to feel small (in a healthy way) compared to everything else in the world.
How does someone do this? They move to Colorado! "Wait, what?! I thought this was about grad school??" Well, it is....the grad school that I am really liking at this point is located in Denver. I have checked out the website, looked at the different programs they offer, and have now requested information. Yup. I'm taking a step and trusting that God will work out the details.
Remember, "You can't fly a plane that's not running." And I don't want to fly...I want to soar!
"You can't sail a ship that's not sailing."
No matter how you phrase it, the point is this: If you are stagnant, not moving, how are you going to know where to go? I have heard it a lot over this past year, and then heard it a bit more over this past week when visiting friends in Colorado. The reasoning behind it is understandable, and even more with getting used to driving a stick-shift car, but sometimes I get stuck in a rut of comfort.
Throughout this past year at school, I started to second guess the idea of going to grad school. Last summer, it sounded great! If I'm good at something (being a student), why stop? It seems logical, right? But then senior year started and I quickly started to burn out on academia and just lived for the weekend, the next break, the afternoon nap where I could shut off my brain...something that didn't require a lot of thinking of productivity. Some people would blame this on senioritis, or just laziness, and it could be chalked up to that in a lot of cases. But I notice a distinct pattern in my life: I like comfort! Comfort is awesome, and can be found in many places. A good cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate, a good book/play, a favorite movie, your favorite scented candle, a fuzzy blanket, a good conversation, a prayer, a bear hug from a good friend, a back massage, a bubble bath.... The list could go on and on, and I definitely like comfort. But sometimes I wonder if this could be a bad thing. Everyone needs a little comfort now and then, but when comfort becomes the norm, does it lose its comforting effect? If you always watch the same movie for a sense of comfort, wouldn't it get redundant after a while, and not really comfort you when you feel like a tornado just destroyed your life?
Grad school had become a comfort idea. I mean, after 16+ years of school with high school and summer jobs sprinkled throughout the experience, school had become comfortable. Get up, go to class (if there was one before chapel), go to chapel, go to more classes, eat lunch, go to class, go to the dorm, work on homework or sleep, go to dinner/chill with friends, do homework, watch a movie, go to sleep (maybe). Repeat 5 days of the week, maintain a (not so) steady diet of cafeteria food, and *poof* you are a college student. After a while it just become routine. Predictable. You expect to have class in the mornings and afternoons, you expect to have chapel at 10am Monday through Friday, you expect to either spend time with friends or do homework over the weekend. It's all routine. Nothing by routine. Especially by the time of senior year. This is why I was hesitant to continue thinking about, and pursuing, grad school. Was I just wanting more routine? Was I just wanting more predictability? Those ideas quickly went away.
Now it's after graduation. I'm sitting here in my room, still unemployed, following the predictable schedule of volunteering at church with the music team and youth group. Why? Well, because I love volunteering in those positions. Also because some people would probably cry if I didn't help in some respect. But it's routine. If I could live like this for the rest of my life, would I? Nope. Because at this point, I have been so trained to be active, even if in a routine of the same approximate schedule every day, that I cannot stand sitting around home. "Get a job" some of you may be saying. Well, that's a bit easier said than done. In case you hadn't looked recently, the job market sucks. I mean, it royally sucks. "Something is better than nothing." Well, that may be true for some people, but I don't want to do just "something." I want to be a part of something great. Something awesome. Something so big that I know it has to be God orchestrating everything, and not me taking things into my own hands and playing with the clay of my future. Nope, I need to feel small (in a healthy way) compared to everything else in the world.
How does someone do this? They move to Colorado! "Wait, what?! I thought this was about grad school??" Well, it is....the grad school that I am really liking at this point is located in Denver. I have checked out the website, looked at the different programs they offer, and have now requested information. Yup. I'm taking a step and trusting that God will work out the details.
Remember, "You can't fly a plane that's not running." And I don't want to fly...I want to soar!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Where [my] Passion Meets [the world's] Need
A Summit-ism, and specifically a John Stonestreet-ism, is that each person needs to find "the place where your passion and the world's need meet." Well, I had to actually put some of this on paper, and as frustrating and painstaking as it was, I am so glad that it was required. Throughout my final semester at school, it quickly became clear that what I thought was my desire was not really that "perfect" of a fit. Then, I started evaluating things more, using the SHAPE model: Spiritual Gifts, Heart/Passion, Abilities, Personality, Experiences.
My passion is to see teenage girls no longer fall through the cracks in the church. Too many times I have seen girls who are scared to talk about their struggles, or are shunned and rejected if they choose to speak up. This happens, 9/10 times because the church does not know how to respond, and because the girls are so terrified of rejection and admitting their struggles. I have a passion to help girls who are falling through the cracks, the girls who become alienated because of life circumstances (especially some of which are not entirely in their control), who are left to fend for themselves. Why? Because I've seen girls go through this, and I have been through it myself. I have been the girl to keep her struggles a secret because others would have met the situation with criticism, rejection, and hostility. I have been the girl who just wanted to be loved and I have had plenty of roller coaster experiences to know that sometimes all you can do is cry when someone asks how you are doing.
What are some of the specific situations and struggles that come to mind when thinking about the church running away? Eating Disorders, Parental Divorce, Abuse (of all kinds), Self Injury and Mutilation, Drug and Alcohol Addiction...just to name a few. Heavy subjects? Yes. Definitely. But how many times has the church fallen away from being the true Body of Christ, supporting each other and bearing each others burdens?
I would love to use theatre as a way to raise awareness of these issues in the church, and then have a giant house set up over the summers for girls who are struggling to come and stay with me....along with full time staff to assist in eating correctly, designing personalized work out routines for the girls who want it, counseling staff, nursing staff, small group leaders, etc. Not only this, but it would be even more amazing to have all of this established in the middle of the Colorado Rockies. Why? Because Colorado is in the center of the region which ranks highest for suicide, specifically among young adults.
This is truly my passion, and I get excited just thinking about the idea of being able to help girls in these situations! The difficulty is knowing how to approach all of this ambition in such a way that it may actually come to fruition.
So what's the next step? Well, considering that I still have not heard a response from the agent in NY after emailing him a few times, I am starting to consider alternatives. No, this is not giving up on acting, this is trying to not stand still for too long. So, I am checking into grad schools that offer programs in order to help me reach this goal. Preferably, a ministry degree that will certainly cause a stretch in my abilities and thinking...but a friend recently challenged me to consider other degrees as well, such as business, so that I would be more qualified to actually run the place and not box myself in too much. Valid points, especially since I'm already boxed in with a dream that contains a huge start-up cost, and a recent degree that does not exactly make it easy to attain this dream. So, yes, grad school is once again on my radar, and possibly even stronger than ever before.
So that's me. That's my passion. That's my desire. Where does the world come into this? How is the world supposed to take Christians seriously when we don't even take the very commands of the Lord we worship seriously? The world needs to see that Christians take care of each other. The world needs to see the evidence, the proof, of our love. The world doesn't care what we have to say when our actions don't match up. That's how Christians get the reputation of being hypocrites. And honestly, especially with seeing how the general church reacts to the situations I named earlier, the world can't be blamed for the reputation. Christ said the world will know Christians by their love....so where is it?
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
- Jesus Christ, John 13:34-35
My passion is to see teenage girls no longer fall through the cracks in the church. Too many times I have seen girls who are scared to talk about their struggles, or are shunned and rejected if they choose to speak up. This happens, 9/10 times because the church does not know how to respond, and because the girls are so terrified of rejection and admitting their struggles. I have a passion to help girls who are falling through the cracks, the girls who become alienated because of life circumstances (especially some of which are not entirely in their control), who are left to fend for themselves. Why? Because I've seen girls go through this, and I have been through it myself. I have been the girl to keep her struggles a secret because others would have met the situation with criticism, rejection, and hostility. I have been the girl who just wanted to be loved and I have had plenty of roller coaster experiences to know that sometimes all you can do is cry when someone asks how you are doing.
What are some of the specific situations and struggles that come to mind when thinking about the church running away? Eating Disorders, Parental Divorce, Abuse (of all kinds), Self Injury and Mutilation, Drug and Alcohol Addiction...just to name a few. Heavy subjects? Yes. Definitely. But how many times has the church fallen away from being the true Body of Christ, supporting each other and bearing each others burdens?
I would love to use theatre as a way to raise awareness of these issues in the church, and then have a giant house set up over the summers for girls who are struggling to come and stay with me....along with full time staff to assist in eating correctly, designing personalized work out routines for the girls who want it, counseling staff, nursing staff, small group leaders, etc. Not only this, but it would be even more amazing to have all of this established in the middle of the Colorado Rockies. Why? Because Colorado is in the center of the region which ranks highest for suicide, specifically among young adults.
This is truly my passion, and I get excited just thinking about the idea of being able to help girls in these situations! The difficulty is knowing how to approach all of this ambition in such a way that it may actually come to fruition.
So what's the next step? Well, considering that I still have not heard a response from the agent in NY after emailing him a few times, I am starting to consider alternatives. No, this is not giving up on acting, this is trying to not stand still for too long. So, I am checking into grad schools that offer programs in order to help me reach this goal. Preferably, a ministry degree that will certainly cause a stretch in my abilities and thinking...but a friend recently challenged me to consider other degrees as well, such as business, so that I would be more qualified to actually run the place and not box myself in too much. Valid points, especially since I'm already boxed in with a dream that contains a huge start-up cost, and a recent degree that does not exactly make it easy to attain this dream. So, yes, grad school is once again on my radar, and possibly even stronger than ever before.
So that's me. That's my passion. That's my desire. Where does the world come into this? How is the world supposed to take Christians seriously when we don't even take the very commands of the Lord we worship seriously? The world needs to see that Christians take care of each other. The world needs to see the evidence, the proof, of our love. The world doesn't care what we have to say when our actions don't match up. That's how Christians get the reputation of being hypocrites. And honestly, especially with seeing how the general church reacts to the situations I named earlier, the world can't be blamed for the reputation. Christ said the world will know Christians by their love....so where is it?
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
- Jesus Christ, John 13:34-35
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Forsaken Chances, Missed Opportunities
I'm sitting in a Colorado cabin at Summit Ministries in Manitou Springs (right next to Colorado Springs), and it is beautiful! I have been able to spend time with old and new friends, go on adventures, and notice parts of my own life that, quite frankly, are heartbreaking.
Being exposed to this extremely friendly and very western mindset (not in the cowboy sense, but come on, it's Colorado!) has forced me to realize that there are so many opportunities and chances that I missed in life...whether because of my own decisions or the consequences of a decision by someone else. You know what? Some of these realizations are difficult to deal with, and they suck. The main one has come to the forefront of my mind since yesterday, and that is the opportunity and chance to have an amazing relationship with a father. Yes, of course I have a father....hello, I was born, wasn't I? But some of the guys out here have been so encouraging and supportive, without even fully knowing me...but they see me around and say "Hey, how are you? Did you have a good day?" And then honestly want to know! It is so radically different from back home where people say things like that all the time, but don't really want to know an answer. Realizing that this kind of support and encouragement does exist in the world, even if only in this little part of the world, is both amazing and heartbreaking.
It is amazing because I have not truly experienced it in a place like this before, and it is incredibly encouraging to know that it does exist. However, it is heartbreaking, because I feel as though much of this experiencing is so enlightening because of never having this kind of support and encouragement from a father in my life. There are some men who have stepped up and done they're best to fill the role of a father, and that means so much! But there is still something to be said for not growing up with a consistent, reliable, godly father figure to turn to in the difficult times. Once again it feels like there is a gaping hole in my life, and I feel so alone and vulnerable.
I want a real father in my life so badly....is that so wrong?
Being exposed to this extremely friendly and very western mindset (not in the cowboy sense, but come on, it's Colorado!) has forced me to realize that there are so many opportunities and chances that I missed in life...whether because of my own decisions or the consequences of a decision by someone else. You know what? Some of these realizations are difficult to deal with, and they suck. The main one has come to the forefront of my mind since yesterday, and that is the opportunity and chance to have an amazing relationship with a father. Yes, of course I have a father....hello, I was born, wasn't I? But some of the guys out here have been so encouraging and supportive, without even fully knowing me...but they see me around and say "Hey, how are you? Did you have a good day?" And then honestly want to know! It is so radically different from back home where people say things like that all the time, but don't really want to know an answer. Realizing that this kind of support and encouragement does exist in the world, even if only in this little part of the world, is both amazing and heartbreaking.
It is amazing because I have not truly experienced it in a place like this before, and it is incredibly encouraging to know that it does exist. However, it is heartbreaking, because I feel as though much of this experiencing is so enlightening because of never having this kind of support and encouragement from a father in my life. There are some men who have stepped up and done they're best to fill the role of a father, and that means so much! But there is still something to be said for not growing up with a consistent, reliable, godly father figure to turn to in the difficult times. Once again it feels like there is a gaping hole in my life, and I feel so alone and vulnerable.
I want a real father in my life so badly....is that so wrong?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Relationships vs. Singlehood
Something that I have been wondering about a lot, and long before graduation ever occurred, has to do with the way that culture seems to view people who are in relationships and people who are single. Specifically, the Christian community. I have noticed a distinct pattern in my own life, and also a pattern that seems to be apparent in the lives and attitudes of others. Now, before anyone gets offended, I am going to re-emphasize that these are general observations, and not to be taken as the hard and fast "categories." Also, I don't have a problem with people being in relationships. I've dated before, so it's not like I'm a completely naive person coming at this situation, these are just questions and observations that float around in my mind.
Now, in my own experiences, I noticed that during times when was dating someone, other around me suddenly took my words with more value...or that's the way it appeared. It was like "oh, she has a man in her life, she must be important and have something worthwhile to say." It was weird, in one way, and totally absurd in another. Since when do people in relationships automatically have their lives together? Aren't relationships formed of broken people coming together? Anyways, it was bizarre, to say the least. But then when the relationship ended (or went on a break, since we were together three months later), the value of my words also seemed to end. The way people perceived and treated me seemed to take a downhill turn, and then my confidence slipped as well.
Did my worth and value suddenly go down the drain? No, not really. But it sure seemed that way.
Now in the Christian community and culture, it seems like young adults who are single fall through the cracks a lot. In churches, there are often groups for youth and adults, but the adult groups are usually full of married couples or singles who are 30+ in years. Nothing inherently wrong with that. My question is, what about the younger singles who need help adjusting to the world right after college? What about a "young adult" or "college and career" group? That would be so beneficial to the community as a whole, instead of the college kids - and recent grads - seemingly falling between the cracks? Fortunately, I am blessed with a church family who says "nope, you're serving [here] this week and [there] next week." While it would drive some people completely insane, I enjoy being tossed into certain ministry situations and serving with others. I'm so thankful that people placed me in those ministry positions before even leaving for college, because otherwise, I probably would have slipped through a few cracks.
More than that, there seems to be so much pressure coming to get married young and not remain single for too long, because you're "running out of time." Well, I have to admit, that I started to believe this while still in my senior year of college. It was far too easy to believe. "What if I don't meet him here? Will I meet him anywhere?"...."Should I go to a Christian grad school to increase my chances of meeting him in a Christian environment?"...."Will I die an old maid?"...."If I don't have my 'ring by spring' does that mean something is wrong with me?"...."Is there really something wrong with 'single seniors' like myself?" So many questions would flood my mind, and it would start to interfere with the happiness of my friend's engagements and new dating relationships. I would pull out the theatre training and try to cover it up, most of the times a very limited number of people could see through the mask, but it wasn't healthy. Emotions and feelings would be stuffed so deep inside that I would end up releasing them late at night, in the form of tears upon my pillow. I would awake to the sound of my alarm going off and realize that my pillow was still damp in some places. No exaggeration.
It seems to me that there is an unhealthy stigma with being single. If someone is in a relationship, they either have their crap together or are very close to working through any issues that may need work. But, if a person is single, it automatically seems like something must be wrong with them, because otherwise...they would clearly be dating someone.
Then there's the attitude of getting married just being the "next step" in life. When I graduated from college, my sister graduated about two weeks later, and then we had a joint graduation party. It was just a simple cookout (or as simple as it can be with a cookout) and we invited people of different age groups. I noticed, almost immediately, that some of the adults had this innate desire to play matchmaker with the younger folk. It was weird. Not only that, but I received a crystal ring holder as a present. It's specifically to hold a diamond ring.... This is not an assumption, I was told this by the person who gave the gift. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful ring holder. I certainly hope to use it one day. But the idea of getting engaged and married being the "next step" in life...almost like it's expected...? I'm one of the first people to say that, ultimately, I'd love nothing more than to be a wife and mother....but having those as expectations that others place on me...? It can seem rather uncomfortable sometimes.
Does anyone else have to fight against this attitude? Why do you think there is such a difference in the ways that people are treated, based on their relationship status? Have you ever experienced this in your own life?
Now, in my own experiences, I noticed that during times when was dating someone, other around me suddenly took my words with more value...or that's the way it appeared. It was like "oh, she has a man in her life, she must be important and have something worthwhile to say." It was weird, in one way, and totally absurd in another. Since when do people in relationships automatically have their lives together? Aren't relationships formed of broken people coming together? Anyways, it was bizarre, to say the least. But then when the relationship ended (or went on a break, since we were together three months later), the value of my words also seemed to end. The way people perceived and treated me seemed to take a downhill turn, and then my confidence slipped as well.
Did my worth and value suddenly go down the drain? No, not really. But it sure seemed that way.
Now in the Christian community and culture, it seems like young adults who are single fall through the cracks a lot. In churches, there are often groups for youth and adults, but the adult groups are usually full of married couples or singles who are 30+ in years. Nothing inherently wrong with that. My question is, what about the younger singles who need help adjusting to the world right after college? What about a "young adult" or "college and career" group? That would be so beneficial to the community as a whole, instead of the college kids - and recent grads - seemingly falling between the cracks? Fortunately, I am blessed with a church family who says "nope, you're serving [here] this week and [there] next week." While it would drive some people completely insane, I enjoy being tossed into certain ministry situations and serving with others. I'm so thankful that people placed me in those ministry positions before even leaving for college, because otherwise, I probably would have slipped through a few cracks.
More than that, there seems to be so much pressure coming to get married young and not remain single for too long, because you're "running out of time." Well, I have to admit, that I started to believe this while still in my senior year of college. It was far too easy to believe. "What if I don't meet him here? Will I meet him anywhere?"...."Should I go to a Christian grad school to increase my chances of meeting him in a Christian environment?"...."Will I die an old maid?"...."If I don't have my 'ring by spring' does that mean something is wrong with me?"...."Is there really something wrong with 'single seniors' like myself?" So many questions would flood my mind, and it would start to interfere with the happiness of my friend's engagements and new dating relationships. I would pull out the theatre training and try to cover it up, most of the times a very limited number of people could see through the mask, but it wasn't healthy. Emotions and feelings would be stuffed so deep inside that I would end up releasing them late at night, in the form of tears upon my pillow. I would awake to the sound of my alarm going off and realize that my pillow was still damp in some places. No exaggeration.
It seems to me that there is an unhealthy stigma with being single. If someone is in a relationship, they either have their crap together or are very close to working through any issues that may need work. But, if a person is single, it automatically seems like something must be wrong with them, because otherwise...they would clearly be dating someone.
Then there's the attitude of getting married just being the "next step" in life. When I graduated from college, my sister graduated about two weeks later, and then we had a joint graduation party. It was just a simple cookout (or as simple as it can be with a cookout) and we invited people of different age groups. I noticed, almost immediately, that some of the adults had this innate desire to play matchmaker with the younger folk. It was weird. Not only that, but I received a crystal ring holder as a present. It's specifically to hold a diamond ring.... This is not an assumption, I was told this by the person who gave the gift. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful ring holder. I certainly hope to use it one day. But the idea of getting engaged and married being the "next step" in life...almost like it's expected...? I'm one of the first people to say that, ultimately, I'd love nothing more than to be a wife and mother....but having those as expectations that others place on me...? It can seem rather uncomfortable sometimes.
Does anyone else have to fight against this attitude? Why do you think there is such a difference in the ways that people are treated, based on their relationship status? Have you ever experienced this in your own life?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
ARTS = Applause Rising Talent Showcase
This past week, I attended The ARTS in Orlando, Florida. Here is the chronicle of my journey from flying out to returning. It is a lengthy chronicle, as you can already tell, but it is definitely an adventure. Read at your own risk! :D
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Tuesday, June 15 - The Take Off
Very early in the morning, all the bags were packed and I left for the airport long before the sun came up. At this point, I thought for sure that the reality of traveling to The ARTS would have set in, even if it took until the layover in Atlanta when they would say "Now boarding to Orlando," but no....it never actually hit. The flights were relatively uneventful, with the exception of some turbulence flying into Orlando. Hooray for thunderstorms while you're in the air. Let me tell you, it was not that great...I had hoped to sleep, but that didn't happen....and yet, the reality had still not set in. I was met at the airport by a wonderful older lady, who still acted very young at heart. She waited with me at the baggage claim, and then made sure that I arrived at the correct exit in order to catch the shuttle to the Omni Resort at ChampionsGate. She handed me the piece of paper with my name on it "as a souvenir," wished me the best of luck, smiled and said "Maybe we'll see your name in lights one day!" I don't think she realized how much I appreciated her words at the moment. Even without really knowing me, and without fully understand the concept behind the Showcase, she still seemed genuinely excited for the opportunity of every competitor. It was awesome!
A little while later I made it to the hotel, after waiting for thirty minutes in the sticky heat for the shuttle to arrive. Ok, seriously, when you step off the shuttle, it feels like a sauna. But, when you step into the hotel, you kinda feel like you stepped into the world of luxury. I waited in the lobby for Michele and her mom to arrive, which is when you say all those little updates and wall writings on here, and then we moved up to the hotel room. The bathroom in the room was seriously large enough to fit two of my bathrooms from home. It was insane! Totally felt like luxury had arrived! Though we did find it humorous that one thing unchanged between "normal" hotels and the Omni was the type of toilet paper. Anyone from Cedarville remember our freshman year when the Lawlor boys started an outcry for 2-Ply? Yeah, it was kinda like that.... Michele and I explored the hotel for a little while and discovered the wonderful tool of relaxation known as "The Lazy River." 850 feet of laziness with sections of jets, hot tub bubbles, and arched fountain sprays, and torpedo jets of water....all while floating. Amazing! We immediately decided that it was time to change into our suits and take some time for ourselves before the craziness of the Showcase began.
Wednesday, June 16 - Wait What? I'm Really Here?
Registration was scheduled to start at noon. We headed down to the lobby about 20 minutes beforehand, and the line was already quite long. We stood in the line for over an hour, the whole time wondering what competitions everyone else would be competing in...sizing up our competition, you know? It was easy to tell who the models were.... for the women, they were really tall, some about 6"5' without wearing heels! For the guys, well....they were just gorgeous, and some people (ahem, Justin Hobbs and Matt Moore) would proceed to continually point out the gorgeousness of one particular model nearly every day. But, I must admit, there were some occasions when I noticed and they didn't. Guilty! Anyways, while standing in line for registration, the girl behind us bade a total slam on theatre/acting students. I mean like, "I've been wanting to act my whole life, but studied marketing so that I would have something to fall back on." I was a good girl though, and did not claw her eyes out...nor did I let her compete better. Basically, while I discouraged at first, I used that discouragement as motivation to compete even better.... :D
Seminars began, and I attended a seminar with the NY and London actor, writer, director John B. Ok, a few notes on him.... In appearance, he reminded me a bit of Nate Terra. In humor, he was great....comparing himself to Miley Cyrus, but not...and other such random happenings. He is a "yes" person, not a "yeah" person. I will need to remember that if we ever work together in New York...or London...or Orlando....haha. :) It was after this seminar that I found Matt Moore and Justin Hobbs. Finally, the Cedarville crew for ARTS, June 2010, was complete. :D
We attended many more seminars, found food, and then watched Michele audition/compete in the singing category. Dang, was she amazing! She sang "Heard It Through The Grapevine" and totally made it her own, plus did it a capella. I'm proud of my hotel-mate! :D Then we had a monologue and t.v. commercial party in Matt's room so that we would all be as prepared as possible for the next day. It's show time!
Thursday, June 17 - Two Minutes of Fame, Seminars, and Abbie Cobb/Barry S.
Oh Thursday. We were all able to sleep in a little but because nothing much was happening until 10:15. Woo-hoo! So, we all met up at different seminars and took as many notes as possible. This was also the day that all of the acting categories were happening, so that meant for a long day, even with the extra few hours of sleep. In terms of competition, the day started with Monologue. Now, you should know that every competition started with the little kids, and while they are really cute and adorable to watch, it only builds the suspense for and nerves for when it's finally your turn. Some of the little kids were incredible! It was so great to see the youngest talent already making their mark on the world. :)
Waiting, waiting, waiting....finally, "contestants in categories eight and nine, please make your way to the sound booth for lining up." It was our turn! And by "our" I mean mine, Hobbs' and Matt's turn! Woo-hoo! We had this. It's in the bag! Oh yeah...projection is not needed nearly as much when there is a microphone attached to your shirt....right....whoops. The good news is that I was memorable. The bad news is that the reason for being memorable to a lot of people was probably because of my projection and therefore making them nearly go deaf. Way to start out the competitions, right? Oh well...everyone still clapped at the end, and then I sat down and watched the everyone else perform. There were so many competitors in the monologue competition that it went over the scheduled time by about 75 minutes. Crazy! I totally blame the teens, because they're line was the longest of all...seriously, wrapping around to the back of the room and nearly along the back wall is a LONG line. Fortunately, I didn't have to stand in that one. :D
Next category? T.V. Commercial. Woo-hoo! L'Oreal Paris Lash Architect 3-D Dramatic Mascara, here I go! Well, so I thought. The three girls in front of me also had the same monologue....along with many others in the teen category, and a few people after me as well. Awesome. Make it different right? Of course! Well, that kinda hurts when you skip two lines ("False lashes? Who needs them?") in an already short commercial. Oh well, I didn't just say the lines like they were nothing, and did my best to make them different, and that's what matters right? Do the best you can, give it your all, and then let the judges decide if you're a "fit" for what they need right now. Hobbs totally owned the commercials for "Tosh.O" (pronounced tosh-point-o). I won't give away exactly what he did, but let's just say that it's for Comedy Central and he definitely tossed in something at the end that we played with during the "monologue party" and definitely memorable. Ask him if you're really curious. :D
Hmm, Cold Read was interesting. I was paired up with one of the other girls who used the L'Oreal commercial, and was not exactly thrilled about it to say the least. She was definitely a diva, and thought she was all that. Plus, she had the perfect blonde hair, blue eyes, summer tan and size 2 look. So that was special. The script we were handed ended up being able to work with the difference between we perfect look and my not-so-perfect look. She acted like the perfect diva who could have it all, and I used my puppy dog eyes and pout lip to win over the sympathy of everyone in the crowd. Apparently, there were many "awwws" at the end, and even a few sniffles. We definitely performed our cold read differently from everyone else, which was great, and a judge even approached me afterward to say "nice work" in passing. That totally made my day!
Not much to say about the final category of the day, except that it was Improv and Hobbs totally owned! No exaggeration. He even has the 2nd place trophy to prove it! :D So proud of my tall friend!
Towards the end of the day, Hobbs and I were going to hang out....but then Matt called and said that he was going to be meeting up with Abbie by the Cedarville table. Yes, Cedarville did have a display table at the Showcase, and lots of people were interested....lots of parents and a good number of teens as well. Anyways, Matt and Abbie were going to meet up, and he wanted to know if Hobbs and I were interested in joining them. Well, yes! Hello! So we decided to join in the fun, especially after seeing Abbie in the lobby. The three of us walked down together, catch up a little bit, and before you know it, who do we see coming down the hall? Matt Moore and Barry S. Now, for those of you who may not know, Barry S. is a casting director in New York and holds a lot of power. He is basically a powerhouse, or I think he is, and meeting him right then and there was amazing! After a while, Matt and Abbie left to pick up Matt's wife at the airport, so then Hobbs and I were left watching the Lakers/Celtics game with Barry. What?! That was so....weird. But definitely cool at the same time. Not something we could have actually planned...though I did wonder if Abbie had a little hand on that one... :)
Friday, June 18 - Seminars, Seminars, and More Seminars
This day was quite literally filled with seminars until mid-afternoon. Honestly, I can't even remember exactly which seminars happened on this day, except that there was a seminar with Megan F., a big time casting director from LA. She had a lot of really good things to say about what the whole industry is like in LA, and also had some good points about NY. Mainly, she took lots of questions from those in attendance, and also fielded questions to some of her colleagues at the back of the room. It was great! After the seminar, I hopped in line behind Hobbs to talk to her, get some feedback on headshots/resumes, and see what she would describe as my "type." Very educational! I do need to get new headshots, that was something that I was expecting to hear, but something unexpected had to do with "types." Little breakdown for people outside of the lingo, which is totally fine, a "type" is basically what kind of role she could see me filling...convincingly. So, it's nice to know what a casting director has to say about such things, considering that casting directors are the ones who make those decisions. Alright, so about my type...she said that I could play a college student, friend, next door neighbor, but I don't look old enough to be the young mother. College student? Really? Some people still think I'm 16, and Megan Foley says that I could play a college student? Woo-hoo! Looks like this toothpick has now, officially, graduated from high school! Totally made my day! Also, she is easy to talk with, and super nice! SO glad I worked up the courage to stand in line and meet her! :D
While in the same room, Hobbs kinda put me up to talking with the NY agent at the back of the room. His name is Chris M., and our conversation started out by my asking tips and opinions on headshot and resume, but then it sparked into other topics too! Unfortunately, he was running out of time and had to run to another competition. But, before he ran, he did give me a business card and said "come see me on Saturday and we'll talk more." Oh my gosh!! What?! He's an agent. He wants to talk to me? He just met me! He doesn't even know where I live yet!? Holy cow, that is exciting! Mental note, go see him first on Saturday, because he obviously has more to say...and if he didn't like something about me, he wouldn't have said to see him. If one thing was driven into our heads over the week, it's that if an agent/manager/casting director likes you, they will want to see you again. If they don't like you, they will try to avoid you. True story. So that was awesome and incredibly encouraging!
After all the craziness of seminars and such, it was decided that a pool time was in order. So, we meander down to the pool area...which is HUGE...but, by the time we get down there to check it out, it's closed because of lightening. However, staff said that it would be open again in about 30 minutes. Fair enough....so we all head upstairs to respective rooms to change, and agree to meet in the lobby for when the pools were scheduled to re-open. Not a problem. That means we basically have the whole area to ourselves before all the kiddos take over the Lazy River and pools, and before all the hormone charged teens take over the hot tub. :D We even explored the kid section with the water slide, and let me tell you, that was awesome! Sure, we had to find staff and ask them to reopen it, but Hobbs and I being the first two people? That was priceless! Oh, there were also weird statue-fountain things that looked like a mutant combination between dolphins and piranha. Really weird. But, the water shot out of their "mouths" with just the right amount of force to get a massage as it bounced off your shoulders and neck, and that was awesome!
Later at night, and I mean much later, Hobbs and I finally took that time to hang out and just talk. Not that there was anything wrong with hanging out with Matt, Abbie and Barry. My goodness, that was once in a lifetime! But it was also nice to just sit and talk with someone who's known you for what seems like a really long time, and try to make sense of the whole Showcase experience. We prayed about the whole Showcase, and especially about the interviews/callbacks that would be the next morning. It was great, even though we were sitting in the hot and humid outdoors (but hey, it was usually freezing inside), and not all of the processing was necessarily "fun"...it was definitely needed. Pretty sure that counts for Hobbs too.
Saturday, June 19 - Open Interviews, Callbacks, and (You Guessed It) More Seminars
Why on earth would anyone be expected to seem alive and awake at 8 in the morning? Oh yeah, because we receive out callback lists. Right. All of Applause International crams into one room for the moment of hearing your name called, walking to the front of the room, and receiving a piece of paper with all the names of people who said "Hmm, I want to see them again. They should come see me on Saturday." Oh wait, does that sound familiar from Friday? Well...yes and no. I did not receive any callbacks according to the piece of paper with my name on it, but that does not mean hope is lost! Abbie met up with all of us Cedarville people at 10, open interviews started at 10:30, to help us prepare and figure out which order we should see people. So, here goes the open interview experience, focusing on NY, in as small of a nutshell as possible....
Table One: Awesome! Chris, who said "come see me", was at this table. I was planning to say "Hi, we spoke yesterday and you said to come see you today. I know that we only have a minute (open interviews are usually on a 60 second rotation), so I was wondering if you wanted me to come back during the callback session." Well, that didn't end up happening. I walk up to the table, and he says "we talked yesterday, didn't we?" Obviously I respond with a "yes".... Then he pulls out both of my headshots and we start talking. Before I know it, he is asking for my email, phone number, age, location, dress size, shoe size and height. Wait...what?! He's handing me another business card. What?! The next thing he says is the best: "I think you're wonderful and I'd love to work with you." Magic words, right there! Not only that, but he instructed me to contact him in 2 weeks so that we can follow up when he's back in town, and we can figure out more stuff. So, basically, an agent has just said that he would love to work with me, and I'm only about 3-4 hours away from his location. YES!! Hello to a good start for the day! Who says you need to automatically have callbacks listed on the paper in order to have a successful day? Psh, whatever! :D
Table Two: Not so awesome. In fact, not so great in general. I know that this one was not meant to work out, partially on my own account. Stumbling over words is not exactly the best way to make a good first impression. However, I did ask for feedback on my resume and headshot, and she was like "honest NY feedback?" I said "Yes, honest NY feedback." She started crossing off specific sections of my resume, like birthday, saying "as long as you're over 18, I don't really care how old you are." Oh, ok....alright, good to know. Then she crossed off a few more things and said that I need to get new headshots ASAP. Ok, not that big of a surprise. She wasn't the first person to say, and definitely not the first person to think it, so that was filed away in my memory bank. No contact info for follow up, either. She's not interested. Ok, move on. Definitely not the end of the world.
Table Three: This man makes me smile....maybe that's because he was smiling the whole time we talked? Hmmm.... He is a talent manager (basically the talent cheerleader and moral support, instead of the agent who specifically submits their clients for auditions and jobs). David D. mostly works with kids through young adults, and considering that I'm early 20's, that includes my age range! Hobbs thought about calling me though, because the whole week David had mostly been talking about working with kids, but the spreadsheet that each competitor received included young adults. So, huzzah! I'm glad Hobbs was looking out for me though. Glad for sure! So, I'm standing in line, finally reach his table and he seems genuinely excited while looking over my headshot and resume. We talk, he asks about location, email, age, etc. When I say my age, he says "you print younger." I kinda smiled and he immediately responded with "but that's not a bad thing! It's a really good thing! I was thinking more 17-19, so this is ok!" It was kinda funny. Before our conversation concluded, he called me "absolutely adorable" and said "you can definitely follow-up." Hmm, beginnings of a manager/talent relationship in NY? Possibly... we shall see how that pans out in the next few weeks.
Table Four: I went to see Barry S. again! He gave me some really great pointers for headshot and resume, and said that maybe I should start in the Boston area, because it's closer and a bit smaller market, and then decide when I'm ready to take the big leap to the big city, because it's really competitive. You know, that is definitely valuable advice, and I'm not going to completely blow it off, sometimes I just want to take a bit more of a risk. You know? I greatly respect his opinion...even though he wouldn't spill the "giant secret" of what he sees as my "type" for acting.
Table Five: Hello Vh1, how are you? So, as you can imagine, casting directors from all over come to the showcase to scout out new talent that they may be able to plug right into a project. Well, along that theme, it only seems appropriate for a casting director from Vh1 to also be in attendance. Needless to say, since she's located in NY, I went up to her table and struck up a conversation. Surprisingly, even though she didn't take a ton of information on me, she did right down my contestant number and email, and said that she would have an intern email me and that I would have to respond with a short bio, a few headshots, and be sure to include some things that I like to do. Once she receives that, she'll see if there's a place that I'd fit with them. Hello, networking and publicity! :D
So, if you're keeping track, that is 4 out of 5 experiences being positive. Woo-hoo! Good day of talking to people who can make a lot happen....but a lot is still, and always will be, on my own shoulders too. It's just a little easier to see the pieces possibly coming together. Who knows, since Chris M. specializes in commercial, you might see me on TV or in a magazine (commercial print) someday. :D
Sunday, June 20 - Cedarville Spotlight and Relaxation
The brunch was tasty, but still could have been better. It wasn't bad though. The Gospel choir was amazing, and Michele had a sweet solo in the last song! Abbie was the keynote speaker, and did she ever provide a ton of encouragement and excitement in the room! Funny, insightful, real... oh my word, I seriously love her! Following Abbie's keynote, there was the awards ceremony. Hobbsie and Matt definitely represented Cedarville strongly during this, as they each went up for awards at one time or another during the ceremony. The good news is that they did not have to face off head-to-head for awards...that would have been awkward from the cheering perspective...."wait! What do we do now??" After the awards were all distributed, we took some picture together (which will all appear later), and had to say our goodbyes. Michele, her mom and I were all staying until Monday, so we spent the rest of the day in the pool, Lazy River, or hot tub. Then we all fell asleep pretty early and I slept for about 12 hours straight. Yes, I really needed it that badly. :D
Monday, June 21 - The Journey Home
Finally able to reach mom and let her know about all the stuff that happened, especially the news about some agents, managers, and casting directors liking me. Then I hopped on a plane to Atlanta, waited there for a few hours, and then hopped on a plane to Manchester. I slept a lot on the planes, especially with my eye bugging me like crazy. Finally made it to the airport, where I landed before mom even arrived, so we met up in baggage claim. One of the first bags off the plane was mine, and then we headed to an Applebee's restaurant so that I could get some food...hadn't really eaten anything since about 12:30 at the Orlando airport, and now it 8:30-ish. So, yeah, it was time. We walk in and discover that we had just missed the huge rush of people who maxed out the capacity of the place. Good timing huh? Not only that, but our waiter was really nice, and actually home for a little while before going to Haiti and then returning to Afghanistan. I said a prayer for him last night, and will continue to do so every night. He opened up a little and shared about why he's in the US right now, the injuries that he's suffered, and why he was sent home early....he's been though a lot, and still has a long journey ahead of him. One more year in Afghanistan awaits him, and he's already been through so much. Please pray for him.
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Tuesday, June 15 - The Take Off
Very early in the morning, all the bags were packed and I left for the airport long before the sun came up. At this point, I thought for sure that the reality of traveling to The ARTS would have set in, even if it took until the layover in Atlanta when they would say "Now boarding to Orlando," but no....it never actually hit. The flights were relatively uneventful, with the exception of some turbulence flying into Orlando. Hooray for thunderstorms while you're in the air. Let me tell you, it was not that great...I had hoped to sleep, but that didn't happen....and yet, the reality had still not set in. I was met at the airport by a wonderful older lady, who still acted very young at heart. She waited with me at the baggage claim, and then made sure that I arrived at the correct exit in order to catch the shuttle to the Omni Resort at ChampionsGate. She handed me the piece of paper with my name on it "as a souvenir," wished me the best of luck, smiled and said "Maybe we'll see your name in lights one day!" I don't think she realized how much I appreciated her words at the moment. Even without really knowing me, and without fully understand the concept behind the Showcase, she still seemed genuinely excited for the opportunity of every competitor. It was awesome!
A little while later I made it to the hotel, after waiting for thirty minutes in the sticky heat for the shuttle to arrive. Ok, seriously, when you step off the shuttle, it feels like a sauna. But, when you step into the hotel, you kinda feel like you stepped into the world of luxury. I waited in the lobby for Michele and her mom to arrive, which is when you say all those little updates and wall writings on here, and then we moved up to the hotel room. The bathroom in the room was seriously large enough to fit two of my bathrooms from home. It was insane! Totally felt like luxury had arrived! Though we did find it humorous that one thing unchanged between "normal" hotels and the Omni was the type of toilet paper. Anyone from Cedarville remember our freshman year when the Lawlor boys started an outcry for 2-Ply? Yeah, it was kinda like that.... Michele and I explored the hotel for a little while and discovered the wonderful tool of relaxation known as "The Lazy River." 850 feet of laziness with sections of jets, hot tub bubbles, and arched fountain sprays, and torpedo jets of water....all while floating. Amazing! We immediately decided that it was time to change into our suits and take some time for ourselves before the craziness of the Showcase began.
Wednesday, June 16 - Wait What? I'm Really Here?
Registration was scheduled to start at noon. We headed down to the lobby about 20 minutes beforehand, and the line was already quite long. We stood in the line for over an hour, the whole time wondering what competitions everyone else would be competing in...sizing up our competition, you know? It was easy to tell who the models were.... for the women, they were really tall, some about 6"5' without wearing heels! For the guys, well....they were just gorgeous, and some people (ahem, Justin Hobbs and Matt Moore) would proceed to continually point out the gorgeousness of one particular model nearly every day. But, I must admit, there were some occasions when I noticed and they didn't. Guilty! Anyways, while standing in line for registration, the girl behind us bade a total slam on theatre/acting students. I mean like, "I've been wanting to act my whole life, but studied marketing so that I would have something to fall back on." I was a good girl though, and did not claw her eyes out...nor did I let her compete better. Basically, while I discouraged at first, I used that discouragement as motivation to compete even better.... :D
Seminars began, and I attended a seminar with the NY and London actor, writer, director John B. Ok, a few notes on him.... In appearance, he reminded me a bit of Nate Terra. In humor, he was great....comparing himself to Miley Cyrus, but not...and other such random happenings. He is a "yes" person, not a "yeah" person. I will need to remember that if we ever work together in New York...or London...or Orlando....haha. :) It was after this seminar that I found Matt Moore and Justin Hobbs. Finally, the Cedarville crew for ARTS, June 2010, was complete. :D
We attended many more seminars, found food, and then watched Michele audition/compete in the singing category. Dang, was she amazing! She sang "Heard It Through The Grapevine" and totally made it her own, plus did it a capella. I'm proud of my hotel-mate! :D Then we had a monologue and t.v. commercial party in Matt's room so that we would all be as prepared as possible for the next day. It's show time!
Thursday, June 17 - Two Minutes of Fame, Seminars, and Abbie Cobb/Barry S.
Oh Thursday. We were all able to sleep in a little but because nothing much was happening until 10:15. Woo-hoo! So, we all met up at different seminars and took as many notes as possible. This was also the day that all of the acting categories were happening, so that meant for a long day, even with the extra few hours of sleep. In terms of competition, the day started with Monologue. Now, you should know that every competition started with the little kids, and while they are really cute and adorable to watch, it only builds the suspense for and nerves for when it's finally your turn. Some of the little kids were incredible! It was so great to see the youngest talent already making their mark on the world. :)
Waiting, waiting, waiting....finally, "contestants in categories eight and nine, please make your way to the sound booth for lining up." It was our turn! And by "our" I mean mine, Hobbs' and Matt's turn! Woo-hoo! We had this. It's in the bag! Oh yeah...projection is not needed nearly as much when there is a microphone attached to your shirt....right....whoops. The good news is that I was memorable. The bad news is that the reason for being memorable to a lot of people was probably because of my projection and therefore making them nearly go deaf. Way to start out the competitions, right? Oh well...everyone still clapped at the end, and then I sat down and watched the everyone else perform. There were so many competitors in the monologue competition that it went over the scheduled time by about 75 minutes. Crazy! I totally blame the teens, because they're line was the longest of all...seriously, wrapping around to the back of the room and nearly along the back wall is a LONG line. Fortunately, I didn't have to stand in that one. :D
Next category? T.V. Commercial. Woo-hoo! L'Oreal Paris Lash Architect 3-D Dramatic Mascara, here I go! Well, so I thought. The three girls in front of me also had the same monologue....along with many others in the teen category, and a few people after me as well. Awesome. Make it different right? Of course! Well, that kinda hurts when you skip two lines ("False lashes? Who needs them?") in an already short commercial. Oh well, I didn't just say the lines like they were nothing, and did my best to make them different, and that's what matters right? Do the best you can, give it your all, and then let the judges decide if you're a "fit" for what they need right now. Hobbs totally owned the commercials for "Tosh.O" (pronounced tosh-point-o). I won't give away exactly what he did, but let's just say that it's for Comedy Central and he definitely tossed in something at the end that we played with during the "monologue party" and definitely memorable. Ask him if you're really curious. :D
Hmm, Cold Read was interesting. I was paired up with one of the other girls who used the L'Oreal commercial, and was not exactly thrilled about it to say the least. She was definitely a diva, and thought she was all that. Plus, she had the perfect blonde hair, blue eyes, summer tan and size 2 look. So that was special. The script we were handed ended up being able to work with the difference between we perfect look and my not-so-perfect look. She acted like the perfect diva who could have it all, and I used my puppy dog eyes and pout lip to win over the sympathy of everyone in the crowd. Apparently, there were many "awwws" at the end, and even a few sniffles. We definitely performed our cold read differently from everyone else, which was great, and a judge even approached me afterward to say "nice work" in passing. That totally made my day!
Not much to say about the final category of the day, except that it was Improv and Hobbs totally owned! No exaggeration. He even has the 2nd place trophy to prove it! :D So proud of my tall friend!
Towards the end of the day, Hobbs and I were going to hang out....but then Matt called and said that he was going to be meeting up with Abbie by the Cedarville table. Yes, Cedarville did have a display table at the Showcase, and lots of people were interested....lots of parents and a good number of teens as well. Anyways, Matt and Abbie were going to meet up, and he wanted to know if Hobbs and I were interested in joining them. Well, yes! Hello! So we decided to join in the fun, especially after seeing Abbie in the lobby. The three of us walked down together, catch up a little bit, and before you know it, who do we see coming down the hall? Matt Moore and Barry S. Now, for those of you who may not know, Barry S. is a casting director in New York and holds a lot of power. He is basically a powerhouse, or I think he is, and meeting him right then and there was amazing! After a while, Matt and Abbie left to pick up Matt's wife at the airport, so then Hobbs and I were left watching the Lakers/Celtics game with Barry. What?! That was so....weird. But definitely cool at the same time. Not something we could have actually planned...though I did wonder if Abbie had a little hand on that one... :)
Friday, June 18 - Seminars, Seminars, and More Seminars
This day was quite literally filled with seminars until mid-afternoon. Honestly, I can't even remember exactly which seminars happened on this day, except that there was a seminar with Megan F., a big time casting director from LA. She had a lot of really good things to say about what the whole industry is like in LA, and also had some good points about NY. Mainly, she took lots of questions from those in attendance, and also fielded questions to some of her colleagues at the back of the room. It was great! After the seminar, I hopped in line behind Hobbs to talk to her, get some feedback on headshots/resumes, and see what she would describe as my "type." Very educational! I do need to get new headshots, that was something that I was expecting to hear, but something unexpected had to do with "types." Little breakdown for people outside of the lingo, which is totally fine, a "type" is basically what kind of role she could see me filling...convincingly. So, it's nice to know what a casting director has to say about such things, considering that casting directors are the ones who make those decisions. Alright, so about my type...she said that I could play a college student, friend, next door neighbor, but I don't look old enough to be the young mother. College student? Really? Some people still think I'm 16, and Megan Foley says that I could play a college student? Woo-hoo! Looks like this toothpick has now, officially, graduated from high school! Totally made my day! Also, she is easy to talk with, and super nice! SO glad I worked up the courage to stand in line and meet her! :D
While in the same room, Hobbs kinda put me up to talking with the NY agent at the back of the room. His name is Chris M., and our conversation started out by my asking tips and opinions on headshot and resume, but then it sparked into other topics too! Unfortunately, he was running out of time and had to run to another competition. But, before he ran, he did give me a business card and said "come see me on Saturday and we'll talk more." Oh my gosh!! What?! He's an agent. He wants to talk to me? He just met me! He doesn't even know where I live yet!? Holy cow, that is exciting! Mental note, go see him first on Saturday, because he obviously has more to say...and if he didn't like something about me, he wouldn't have said to see him. If one thing was driven into our heads over the week, it's that if an agent/manager/casting director likes you, they will want to see you again. If they don't like you, they will try to avoid you. True story. So that was awesome and incredibly encouraging!
After all the craziness of seminars and such, it was decided that a pool time was in order. So, we meander down to the pool area...which is HUGE...but, by the time we get down there to check it out, it's closed because of lightening. However, staff said that it would be open again in about 30 minutes. Fair enough....so we all head upstairs to respective rooms to change, and agree to meet in the lobby for when the pools were scheduled to re-open. Not a problem. That means we basically have the whole area to ourselves before all the kiddos take over the Lazy River and pools, and before all the hormone charged teens take over the hot tub. :D We even explored the kid section with the water slide, and let me tell you, that was awesome! Sure, we had to find staff and ask them to reopen it, but Hobbs and I being the first two people? That was priceless! Oh, there were also weird statue-fountain things that looked like a mutant combination between dolphins and piranha. Really weird. But, the water shot out of their "mouths" with just the right amount of force to get a massage as it bounced off your shoulders and neck, and that was awesome!
Later at night, and I mean much later, Hobbs and I finally took that time to hang out and just talk. Not that there was anything wrong with hanging out with Matt, Abbie and Barry. My goodness, that was once in a lifetime! But it was also nice to just sit and talk with someone who's known you for what seems like a really long time, and try to make sense of the whole Showcase experience. We prayed about the whole Showcase, and especially about the interviews/callbacks that would be the next morning. It was great, even though we were sitting in the hot and humid outdoors (but hey, it was usually freezing inside), and not all of the processing was necessarily "fun"...it was definitely needed. Pretty sure that counts for Hobbs too.
Saturday, June 19 - Open Interviews, Callbacks, and (You Guessed It) More Seminars
Why on earth would anyone be expected to seem alive and awake at 8 in the morning? Oh yeah, because we receive out callback lists. Right. All of Applause International crams into one room for the moment of hearing your name called, walking to the front of the room, and receiving a piece of paper with all the names of people who said "Hmm, I want to see them again. They should come see me on Saturday." Oh wait, does that sound familiar from Friday? Well...yes and no. I did not receive any callbacks according to the piece of paper with my name on it, but that does not mean hope is lost! Abbie met up with all of us Cedarville people at 10, open interviews started at 10:30, to help us prepare and figure out which order we should see people. So, here goes the open interview experience, focusing on NY, in as small of a nutshell as possible....
Table One: Awesome! Chris, who said "come see me", was at this table. I was planning to say "Hi, we spoke yesterday and you said to come see you today. I know that we only have a minute (open interviews are usually on a 60 second rotation), so I was wondering if you wanted me to come back during the callback session." Well, that didn't end up happening. I walk up to the table, and he says "we talked yesterday, didn't we?" Obviously I respond with a "yes".... Then he pulls out both of my headshots and we start talking. Before I know it, he is asking for my email, phone number, age, location, dress size, shoe size and height. Wait...what?! He's handing me another business card. What?! The next thing he says is the best: "I think you're wonderful and I'd love to work with you." Magic words, right there! Not only that, but he instructed me to contact him in 2 weeks so that we can follow up when he's back in town, and we can figure out more stuff. So, basically, an agent has just said that he would love to work with me, and I'm only about 3-4 hours away from his location. YES!! Hello to a good start for the day! Who says you need to automatically have callbacks listed on the paper in order to have a successful day? Psh, whatever! :D
Table Two: Not so awesome. In fact, not so great in general. I know that this one was not meant to work out, partially on my own account. Stumbling over words is not exactly the best way to make a good first impression. However, I did ask for feedback on my resume and headshot, and she was like "honest NY feedback?" I said "Yes, honest NY feedback." She started crossing off specific sections of my resume, like birthday, saying "as long as you're over 18, I don't really care how old you are." Oh, ok....alright, good to know. Then she crossed off a few more things and said that I need to get new headshots ASAP. Ok, not that big of a surprise. She wasn't the first person to say, and definitely not the first person to think it, so that was filed away in my memory bank. No contact info for follow up, either. She's not interested. Ok, move on. Definitely not the end of the world.
Table Three: This man makes me smile....maybe that's because he was smiling the whole time we talked? Hmmm.... He is a talent manager (basically the talent cheerleader and moral support, instead of the agent who specifically submits their clients for auditions and jobs). David D. mostly works with kids through young adults, and considering that I'm early 20's, that includes my age range! Hobbs thought about calling me though, because the whole week David had mostly been talking about working with kids, but the spreadsheet that each competitor received included young adults. So, huzzah! I'm glad Hobbs was looking out for me though. Glad for sure! So, I'm standing in line, finally reach his table and he seems genuinely excited while looking over my headshot and resume. We talk, he asks about location, email, age, etc. When I say my age, he says "you print younger." I kinda smiled and he immediately responded with "but that's not a bad thing! It's a really good thing! I was thinking more 17-19, so this is ok!" It was kinda funny. Before our conversation concluded, he called me "absolutely adorable" and said "you can definitely follow-up." Hmm, beginnings of a manager/talent relationship in NY? Possibly... we shall see how that pans out in the next few weeks.
Table Four: I went to see Barry S. again! He gave me some really great pointers for headshot and resume, and said that maybe I should start in the Boston area, because it's closer and a bit smaller market, and then decide when I'm ready to take the big leap to the big city, because it's really competitive. You know, that is definitely valuable advice, and I'm not going to completely blow it off, sometimes I just want to take a bit more of a risk. You know? I greatly respect his opinion...even though he wouldn't spill the "giant secret" of what he sees as my "type" for acting.
Table Five: Hello Vh1, how are you? So, as you can imagine, casting directors from all over come to the showcase to scout out new talent that they may be able to plug right into a project. Well, along that theme, it only seems appropriate for a casting director from Vh1 to also be in attendance. Needless to say, since she's located in NY, I went up to her table and struck up a conversation. Surprisingly, even though she didn't take a ton of information on me, she did right down my contestant number and email, and said that she would have an intern email me and that I would have to respond with a short bio, a few headshots, and be sure to include some things that I like to do. Once she receives that, she'll see if there's a place that I'd fit with them. Hello, networking and publicity! :D
So, if you're keeping track, that is 4 out of 5 experiences being positive. Woo-hoo! Good day of talking to people who can make a lot happen....but a lot is still, and always will be, on my own shoulders too. It's just a little easier to see the pieces possibly coming together. Who knows, since Chris M. specializes in commercial, you might see me on TV or in a magazine (commercial print) someday. :D
Sunday, June 20 - Cedarville Spotlight and Relaxation
The brunch was tasty, but still could have been better. It wasn't bad though. The Gospel choir was amazing, and Michele had a sweet solo in the last song! Abbie was the keynote speaker, and did she ever provide a ton of encouragement and excitement in the room! Funny, insightful, real... oh my word, I seriously love her! Following Abbie's keynote, there was the awards ceremony. Hobbsie and Matt definitely represented Cedarville strongly during this, as they each went up for awards at one time or another during the ceremony. The good news is that they did not have to face off head-to-head for awards...that would have been awkward from the cheering perspective...."wait! What do we do now??" After the awards were all distributed, we took some picture together (which will all appear later), and had to say our goodbyes. Michele, her mom and I were all staying until Monday, so we spent the rest of the day in the pool, Lazy River, or hot tub. Then we all fell asleep pretty early and I slept for about 12 hours straight. Yes, I really needed it that badly. :D
Monday, June 21 - The Journey Home
Finally able to reach mom and let her know about all the stuff that happened, especially the news about some agents, managers, and casting directors liking me. Then I hopped on a plane to Atlanta, waited there for a few hours, and then hopped on a plane to Manchester. I slept a lot on the planes, especially with my eye bugging me like crazy. Finally made it to the airport, where I landed before mom even arrived, so we met up in baggage claim. One of the first bags off the plane was mine, and then we headed to an Applebee's restaurant so that I could get some food...hadn't really eaten anything since about 12:30 at the Orlando airport, and now it 8:30-ish. So, yeah, it was time. We walk in and discover that we had just missed the huge rush of people who maxed out the capacity of the place. Good timing huh? Not only that, but our waiter was really nice, and actually home for a little while before going to Haiti and then returning to Afghanistan. I said a prayer for him last night, and will continue to do so every night. He opened up a little and shared about why he's in the US right now, the injuries that he's suffered, and why he was sent home early....he's been though a lot, and still has a long journey ahead of him. One more year in Afghanistan awaits him, and he's already been through so much. Please pray for him.
(The CU crew with our former student who is now a Disney Star)
(The CU [former and current] students with the woman who discovered us in the corn fields)
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sin Is Sin....Regardless
It is no surprise to many people that one of my pet peeves is when people act high and mighty and try to rank sin in such a way that makes them feel better about themselves. For example, if someone said "I would never talk to someone who has been involved in pornography, because is one of the most disgusting sins ever and I've never done anything that bad. Why would anyone talk to them?" I have actually heard very similar words from people before. Why does this bother me? Because with this attitude, whole people groups are alienated from ever hearing the Gospel. Now, I do understand that not everyone has been designed and/or abled to minister in every single situation with every single people group. However, it drives me absolutely crazy people are alienated from the Gospel. Christ died for everyone. Everyone should have the opportunity to experience His love.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Applause Rising Talent Showcase
Last time I posted, it was shortly before going to PA for one of my best friends weddings. What an amazing weekend! Not only did Nikki look gorgeous, but Jesse actually smiled from ear to ear and had a bit of a "wow, she's mine" glow....it was awesome. You see, I don't know Jesse nearly as well as I know Nikki (he went to a different college), and he doesn't usually show emotion. So, seeing him smile like that was totally amazing!
After the wedding, the remaining C'ville crew had a "one month reunion" complete with a pool, pool table, awesomeness snacks and drinks, and MST3K.... Ah yes, most of the "freak show" was back together and partying like the good ol' days...with a few added twists. I miss everyone again though. Saying goodbye at graduation was difficult enough, even with knowing that most of us would be together again at Nikki's wedding. But this time? Who knows when all of us will be together again. We have talked about doing another mini reunion sometime in the fall though....maybe even in Colorado? With skiing and snowboarding? Hmm....
Now I stand on the edge of another adventure, and this time it's really intimidating. Tuesday morning I will fly to the Applause Rising Talent Showcase where I will compete in three different categories for a possible career in acting/entertainment. Monologue? Memorized and within time limit. T.V. Commercial? Uhhh, still need to work on that a lot more. Cold Read? Well, the whole format of that is different, and I won't receive the script until shortly before going on stage anyway. Prep for that is more like reminding myself to breathe.
Honestly, I'm really nervous about going. I put on the happy face and come across really excited about the whole adventure, but inside, it's a constant state of screaming and wondering "why am I doing this?" The best answer I can come up with is that, if I didn't go, there would be a constant question of "what if" for the rest of my life. This opportunity was practically dropped in my lap, and I can't just ignore it... each day just seems a little more nerve-wracking than the previous one, and I feel a little more insecure than the previous day, too.
Guaranteed, no matter what happens at the showcase next week, I will end up crying at least once. Only time will tell if those tears are tears of joy, stress, disappointment, or exhaustion. Why must the inferiority complex rear it's ugly head right now?
After the wedding, the remaining C'ville crew had a "one month reunion" complete with a pool, pool table, awesomeness snacks and drinks, and MST3K.... Ah yes, most of the "freak show" was back together and partying like the good ol' days...with a few added twists. I miss everyone again though. Saying goodbye at graduation was difficult enough, even with knowing that most of us would be together again at Nikki's wedding. But this time? Who knows when all of us will be together again. We have talked about doing another mini reunion sometime in the fall though....maybe even in Colorado? With skiing and snowboarding? Hmm....
Now I stand on the edge of another adventure, and this time it's really intimidating. Tuesday morning I will fly to the Applause Rising Talent Showcase where I will compete in three different categories for a possible career in acting/entertainment. Monologue? Memorized and within time limit. T.V. Commercial? Uhhh, still need to work on that a lot more. Cold Read? Well, the whole format of that is different, and I won't receive the script until shortly before going on stage anyway. Prep for that is more like reminding myself to breathe.
Honestly, I'm really nervous about going. I put on the happy face and come across really excited about the whole adventure, but inside, it's a constant state of screaming and wondering "why am I doing this?" The best answer I can come up with is that, if I didn't go, there would be a constant question of "what if" for the rest of my life. This opportunity was practically dropped in my lap, and I can't just ignore it... each day just seems a little more nerve-wracking than the previous one, and I feel a little more insecure than the previous day, too.
Guaranteed, no matter what happens at the showcase next week, I will end up crying at least once. Only time will tell if those tears are tears of joy, stress, disappointment, or exhaustion. Why must the inferiority complex rear it's ugly head right now?
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