...it pours.
Unfortunately, this is one of those times. I thought it would all be ok and that the precipitation would only be a slight drizzle, possibly working up to a steady rain. But that would never happen in my family. How could I be so dumb as to think that it would? I should have known that this would go wrong. I should have known that something would happen.... Graduation hasn't even happened yet, and a certain person and I have not come face-to-face yet, but there are already more conflicts within my family....and I will explode if everything keeps escalating.
Just about 32 hours and I will be graduating with a undergraduate degree in a field where I have a passion....but all I'll be able to think about is the impending storm that will (most likely) occur. Both metaphorical and literal....yes it is now forecasted to rain on the day of graduation.... Wonderful, just one more thing that can go wrong...
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wow...
Everyone experiences miscommunication at some point in their life. It's inevitable. It will happen. Sometimes it may a little thing, you clear it up, it's no big deal. Other times, it could end up being disasterous and result in a lot of people being offended because of one thing being misunderstood and then the misunderstood statements/comments are repeated to others. Something like that has recently happened within a group of friends, and I fear for how it may be resolved. We have tried to clear things up, and one person said they would pass along the correct information at the earliest convenience, but I still wonder if things will return to "normal" before we all spread out across the country...literally. It would be very disheartening to leave as graduates without having all of this resolved.
On a happier note, I may have a car by graduation. WOO-HOO!!
On a happier note, I may have a car by graduation. WOO-HOO!!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Surreal: Graduation and Relationships
In 13 days, I will be sitting in commencement, awaiting the moment of moving the tassel from the right to the left. I will be surrounded by many friends, sitting with fellow theatre majors (unless they still lump all the communications people together and only distinguish us by our tassel and hood color)....ready to cry because the past four years have gone by so quickly. I will be graduating with some of the best people I know in my own peer group. People who have supported, encouraged, prayed for and laughed with me in many different situations. And then....we pack up and move home to our different parts of the country.
There is still a significant amount of work to be done, mainly one assignment that could easily turn into a 30 page paper...single spaced...but that's no big deal, right?
Anyways, with graduation approaching, and certain realizations that go along with the campus culture, I am forced to come face-to-face with some stereotypes that are presented to all my fellow students. Yes, ALL my fellow students on this campus are faced with this stereotype; whether they agree with it or disregard it, it still exists and is everywhere! The stereotype is this: If you are not in a relationship when graduation occurs, and especially if you are not engaged or already married, then you will end up single for the rest of your life.
Does it seem harsh? Yes. Do I sound harsh? Just walk around campus and talk to people. Get a feel for the overall attitude towards single students, and then you will understand. I am not the only person who thinks this either, there are many other students who feel the same way and wonder how on earth we are to combat this attitude. It's not exactly an easy thing to combat when it is so prevalent throughout the entire student body, faculty and staff population.
Now, I am very happy for the friends who are in relationships, believe me! It's great to see my friends so happy! Two of my friends just started dating (each other) about 10 days ago, and it is so funny to watch them...neither of them would usually be considered "cute" in terms of relationships, especially him, because calling a guy "cute" like that is just weird and probably not appreciated. However, when they are together...they are, quite possibly, the cutest couple I have ever seen! So, do not think that I am bitter against relationships, though some would say I have every right to be if it ever goes that way, or that I do not like seeing my friends happy. What I would like to know, especially with the campus culture, is when will it be my turn to be happy like that again?
The one-ish experience I have with dating is...interesting. The "one-ish" term is used because we broke up for a little while, dated again, and then broke up a second time. The reason I say "interesting" is not because things ended on a bad note. It was confusing and weird, yes. Definitely. But the relationship did not end poorly, the first or second time, and we are still friends...which can also be strange sometimes, but it's awesome! While in the relationship, it was great. I knew that someone was looking out for me, cared enough to protect, and wouldn't completely judge me if there was a total emotional breakdown. He wanted to take care of me, and even told me this, and wanted to be able to help with the process of wrestling through different issues that came up in life (or needed to be resolved from the past). Hopefully I was able to help him, too.... I remember what it was like to feel so treasured, cared for, and loved. But I also remember how it seemed like all of campus automatically related to me differently, knowing that I was "in a relationship". I also remember how campus related to me differently, again, when the relationship was no longer of the same "status"...no longer dating, but just hanging out and completely platonic. Some people demonstrated genuine empathy, others seemed like they were going to hunt him down (and really wanted to!), and then there was the majority of campus that was like "oh, guess something is wrong with her!" Really? Really, people? It's ridiculous....
Basically, I am ready to be out of here, if for no other reason than to have the freedom of actually being myself and not experiencing the torture of walking along sidewalks and knowing that (some) people are looking at me wondering what is "wrong with me" because I'm a senior and not engaged...or even dating someone. I'm tired of hearing some people only talk about their relationships during girl hangout times, and not listening to the perspective of a single, young adult because singleness is viewed as being a minority. I'm tired of watching girls (and guys!) bounce from one relationship to the next because that's where the find personal value and worth. Our value and worth are not supposed to be found in the person that we date! I thought this was a "Christ-centered university"...but apparently, more so than previously though, that is not a statement of attitudes and character across campus. This fact is a truly sad commentary of the school, and I am ashamed of it.
The more time you spend at a college, the more you learn. Not necessarily in academia, but certainly about the culture and environment.
There is still a significant amount of work to be done, mainly one assignment that could easily turn into a 30 page paper...single spaced...but that's no big deal, right?
Anyways, with graduation approaching, and certain realizations that go along with the campus culture, I am forced to come face-to-face with some stereotypes that are presented to all my fellow students. Yes, ALL my fellow students on this campus are faced with this stereotype; whether they agree with it or disregard it, it still exists and is everywhere! The stereotype is this: If you are not in a relationship when graduation occurs, and especially if you are not engaged or already married, then you will end up single for the rest of your life.
Does it seem harsh? Yes. Do I sound harsh? Just walk around campus and talk to people. Get a feel for the overall attitude towards single students, and then you will understand. I am not the only person who thinks this either, there are many other students who feel the same way and wonder how on earth we are to combat this attitude. It's not exactly an easy thing to combat when it is so prevalent throughout the entire student body, faculty and staff population.
Now, I am very happy for the friends who are in relationships, believe me! It's great to see my friends so happy! Two of my friends just started dating (each other) about 10 days ago, and it is so funny to watch them...neither of them would usually be considered "cute" in terms of relationships, especially him, because calling a guy "cute" like that is just weird and probably not appreciated. However, when they are together...they are, quite possibly, the cutest couple I have ever seen! So, do not think that I am bitter against relationships, though some would say I have every right to be if it ever goes that way, or that I do not like seeing my friends happy. What I would like to know, especially with the campus culture, is when will it be my turn to be happy like that again?
The one-ish experience I have with dating is...interesting. The "one-ish" term is used because we broke up for a little while, dated again, and then broke up a second time. The reason I say "interesting" is not because things ended on a bad note. It was confusing and weird, yes. Definitely. But the relationship did not end poorly, the first or second time, and we are still friends...which can also be strange sometimes, but it's awesome! While in the relationship, it was great. I knew that someone was looking out for me, cared enough to protect, and wouldn't completely judge me if there was a total emotional breakdown. He wanted to take care of me, and even told me this, and wanted to be able to help with the process of wrestling through different issues that came up in life (or needed to be resolved from the past). Hopefully I was able to help him, too.... I remember what it was like to feel so treasured, cared for, and loved. But I also remember how it seemed like all of campus automatically related to me differently, knowing that I was "in a relationship". I also remember how campus related to me differently, again, when the relationship was no longer of the same "status"...no longer dating, but just hanging out and completely platonic. Some people demonstrated genuine empathy, others seemed like they were going to hunt him down (and really wanted to!), and then there was the majority of campus that was like "oh, guess something is wrong with her!" Really? Really, people? It's ridiculous....
Basically, I am ready to be out of here, if for no other reason than to have the freedom of actually being myself and not experiencing the torture of walking along sidewalks and knowing that (some) people are looking at me wondering what is "wrong with me" because I'm a senior and not engaged...or even dating someone. I'm tired of hearing some people only talk about their relationships during girl hangout times, and not listening to the perspective of a single, young adult because singleness is viewed as being a minority. I'm tired of watching girls (and guys!) bounce from one relationship to the next because that's where the find personal value and worth. Our value and worth are not supposed to be found in the person that we date! I thought this was a "Christ-centered university"...but apparently, more so than previously though, that is not a statement of attitudes and character across campus. This fact is a truly sad commentary of the school, and I am ashamed of it.
The more time you spend at a college, the more you learn. Not necessarily in academia, but certainly about the culture and environment.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Future
Sometimes I just sit around wondering about what the future holds. It can be a scary and intimidating, or it can be exciting and exhilarating. What will happen over the next few weeks, and beyond...? What will happen when everything changes again, as it will, in the very near future? Will I be able to handle the new stress and expectations that will, inevitably, be placed upon me? Is there anyone who truly understands where I am in life, and why all of this is so scary? I'm sure there is someone, but maybe I don't know them...and they don't even know i exist. Or maybe, there is someone, and I just need to be open to what they have to say. Maybe I've been ignoring them lately, because they are always right and I just don't want to hear what they have to say. Ignorance is bliss, right?
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the things that run through my mind as I should be doing something more "productive". These are the thoughts that, sometimes, haunt my dreams.
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the things that run through my mind as I should be doing something more "productive". These are the thoughts that, sometimes, haunt my dreams.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Starting Fresh
This [blogger] is new to me...so we'll see how this goes. I guess it was just time for a new place to process thoughts, questions, and life in general. Give it some time, and so long as I remember about this site, and remember my password, the pages will be filled up with the random musings of my very weird brain. Just give it time...
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