James = Testing

Personal experience would stand to reason that whenever the book of James is being studied - be it in church, youth group, campus Bible study, wherever - my life will automatically be turned upside down and many emotional happenings will take place very close together. Well, a few weeks ago, guess what my church just started as their new series? If you guess James, you would be absolutely correct! If your first thought was "uh oh, she's going through a lot right now!" Well, you would also be correct.

Shortly before the series is James began, I heard that my cousin is going through a sex change. After that, it became increasingly evident that I am (apparently) the one family member who is not ready to completely disown him for his decision. More recently, there was quite the falling out with someone (who will remain anonymous) who had been considered a friend for years. It was very painful, and still is, and now there is the process of working through the grief of losing the friendship and reaching the point of forgiveness. It's not easy, nor do I think it will happen quickly.

It would be extremely easy to sit here, in Panera Bread, stewing over what happened (in both situations) and just letting bitterness get the better of me. That has already happened on at least one occasion and a friend had to call me out of needing an attitude adjustment. Instead, I sit here feeling a bit numb. Not knowing what to think of everything that has happened, and wondering what is going to happen next. I know that God can use these situations as learning experiences and turn them around (even if just in my attitude) to show His gory and goodness. God can use any situation in our lives to reveal more of His character....if we let Him. That is one of the most difficult things. We have to be open to God using our pain, using our weakness, and even using our flaws in order to bring our focus back to Him and His majesty. Being open means the possibility of exposing ourselves to more pain. Not because God is psychotic or taking joy in seeing us suffer. No, not because of that at all. Instead, it is like He is sending us through the fire, the testing, so that we will come out the other side looking even more like His image. He knows it hurts. He knows it's not easy. He understands all of this. He also understands that we are not, right now, as we were created to be. If we were, there wouldn't be sin in the world. There wouldn't be pain in the first place.

If my life is going to be repeatedly turned upside down and turned to ashes throughout the study of James. Well, I guess that says something about what I have used to build my life. If these times of testing truly turn my entire life into ashes, then what have I done to build up the Kingdom of God? If my entire life is burnt up, what have I invested in that is worthwhile? Where should I have been investing time, if these places were not accurate? These are the questions that I face. These are the questions that I wrestle. These are the times that feel so blinded by the world that I cannot see Gods hand in the midst of the suffering. These are the times that I need Him more than ever. These are the times when He will prove to be faithful.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)