Renovated Patience

With the recent end to what seemed like an eternal job search, my mind has been overwhelmed with thoughts of how patience and perseverance truly are blessings and times of God's teaching. Of course, with my witty nature and having fun looking up quotes to begin entries (though the search is not always fruitful), I went to google. Upon finding a page with some really insightful quotes on patience, it was a different quote that leaped off the page and into my brain.

Tertullian said, or wrote, "Hope is patience with the lamp lit."

This stood out to me for two completely different, yet related, reasons. On one level, it stood out because my middle name is Hope. Whenever I see quotes about hope, or indirectly talking about hope, it peaks my interest. i ponder the meaning and how it could possibly relate to my life, whether currently relating, or how I should incorporate the wisdom into my life (if it is worth the incorporation and does not go against the Biblical virtue).

The second reason this stood out to me is because of the mental picture that it creates. I see a house in the middle of a large field, with the dark sky above filled with stars shining in the night. In the front window, there is an oil lamp which can be seen from a far distance because there are no city lights to interfere with it's warmth. The lamp is lit because a young wife, eagerly awaiting the return of her soldier from war, lights it each night. Why? Because if that is the night, she wants her soldier to be greeted by the warm glow which beams through the night, as he returns home from the battleground.

I think of the young wife's dedication and commitment to making sure the lamp is waiting for her soldier. I think of the soldier returning from battle, after months and possibly years, and seeing the warm glow in the distance. What would be his reaction to seeing the warm glow, knowing that it must have been lit by his wife?

That kind of patience is amazing to me! Not because I can't imagine having that kind of patience and devotion, but because it is such an amazing and special commitment that the only word coming to mind is "amazing".

Life is difficult, even without being sent off (or having a loved one sent off) to war, and it can seem like an extreme battle due to internal and external circumstances. Knowing that someone is there, even if not necessarily waiting up, but leaving a sign for you, has to be one of the most reassuring feelings in the world. The one experience I have that is similar to this would be when I spent part of a weekend "homeless" for a class. It was supposed to be a literal 48 hours. Unfortunately, due to health issues, I was not able to last the full 48 hours, and returned to campus on the Saturday night, greeted by the warmth ad love of friends. I was overcome by commitment of the person who met me at the car and helped me walk inside the building, and more overcome by the gathering of friends to welcome me back...even though it was before the "scheduled" return. It was an amazing gift to have experienced that kind of love and commitment!

When I think of the mental picture described earlier, I think of a similar type of love and commitment to what I experienced after my early return....multiplied to infinity. To have the blessing of opportunity to keep a lamp lit for that special person in your life, to leave a physical symbol of the desire you have to see them return at the end of each day, is something that I hope and pray to experience. Someday, when God has brought the man into my life who desires to share in this experience (with me - not just someone in general), and I have the same desire to share this experience with him, that will be a beautiful day.

Obviously, there is not such a man in my life right now. Therefore, in the present, I must live with the hope that a man with this desire will be brought into my life. My light is burning, it is sitting in the window, and God will bring the right soldier into my life.

"Burn your fire on the altar/Leave a candle on the porch/I'm still too far away to see it/But I'm aching for its warmth/And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome/But still I hear your song inside/So sing it louder if you want me home tonight/Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight"
~Chris Rice, "Home Tonight"~

Diverging Roads and Questions

Robert Frost has a famous poem that, essentially, says taking to road less traveled makes all the difference. The poem casts a positive light on this conclusion, which is possibly why so many Christians cling to it's sentiment with the same fervor they cling to the "Footprints" poem. However, the question must be asked, what happens when you take the "road less traveled" and it only causes more pain and grief? The argument could be made that this is still parallel to the Christian life, but at least with the Christian walk there is the promise of good things to come in the end. The situation that I am raising involves standing where the roads diverge. One road has caused pain in the past (though being less traveled by many people), and the other causing an equal amount of pain (though of a different nature) and being traveled by more people. What happens when both roads will cause an immense amount of pain and grief, just for different reasons. One for completely leaving some awesome things in the past, and the other for walking beside those memories, wondering if the hurt will turn around for good and reconciliation. Yes, taking the road overlooked by many others will still make "all the difference" in the grand scheme of life, but what if that "difference" is not in a positive light? Or the way it seems right now is not necessarily in a positive light, because you know all the pain that it has caused in the past?

I used to just follow the crowd in almost every decision throughout life. That is how I "survived" junior high and much of high school. I didn't know any better. Senior year, changes started to happen. My processing and evaluation skills were challenged beyond all reason, and I became determined to not cave under the pressure of what everyone else did, or thought that I should do. I challenged the waves of culture and voiced my opinion of values and ethics. I continued to do this throughout a lot of college, fighting to make my thoughts and views known, even though it caused some difficult in relationships. Some close friends thought I went off the deep end a few times. Had I gone that far? Maybe. Often times those misunderstandings were cleared up after further explaining a specific stance, though.

If I follow the road that others consider to be the "correct" road, even though it's the one that many people take, I will always wonder "what if...[this and that]?" I could end up with a lot of regret if things, somehow, turn around and I am not willing to give it a chance. However, if I follow the road that is "less traveled" by others, I know the pain that awaits. I am not unfamiliar with this pain, in fact, this pain and I have gotten to know each other quite well over the past few years of tear-stained pillows. There is also the chance that I will miss a different opportunity by following this road. Both roads will cause pain. Both roads will include many nights of crying. Both roads could mean a loss of some kind. So I guess it comes down to this: when the pros and cons of each road balance out to the same result, what is someone supposed to do? Pray? Yes. And what about when God is silent? I desire to do what is right. When is taking the "road less traveled" wrong?

James = Testing

Personal experience would stand to reason that whenever the book of James is being studied - be it in church, youth group, campus Bible study, wherever - my life will automatically be turned upside down and many emotional happenings will take place very close together. Well, a few weeks ago, guess what my church just started as their new series? If you guess James, you would be absolutely correct! If your first thought was "uh oh, she's going through a lot right now!" Well, you would also be correct.

Shortly before the series is James began, I heard that my cousin is going through a sex change. After that, it became increasingly evident that I am (apparently) the one family member who is not ready to completely disown him for his decision. More recently, there was quite the falling out with someone (who will remain anonymous) who had been considered a friend for years. It was very painful, and still is, and now there is the process of working through the grief of losing the friendship and reaching the point of forgiveness. It's not easy, nor do I think it will happen quickly.

It would be extremely easy to sit here, in Panera Bread, stewing over what happened (in both situations) and just letting bitterness get the better of me. That has already happened on at least one occasion and a friend had to call me out of needing an attitude adjustment. Instead, I sit here feeling a bit numb. Not knowing what to think of everything that has happened, and wondering what is going to happen next. I know that God can use these situations as learning experiences and turn them around (even if just in my attitude) to show His gory and goodness. God can use any situation in our lives to reveal more of His character....if we let Him. That is one of the most difficult things. We have to be open to God using our pain, using our weakness, and even using our flaws in order to bring our focus back to Him and His majesty. Being open means the possibility of exposing ourselves to more pain. Not because God is psychotic or taking joy in seeing us suffer. No, not because of that at all. Instead, it is like He is sending us through the fire, the testing, so that we will come out the other side looking even more like His image. He knows it hurts. He knows it's not easy. He understands all of this. He also understands that we are not, right now, as we were created to be. If we were, there wouldn't be sin in the world. There wouldn't be pain in the first place.

If my life is going to be repeatedly turned upside down and turned to ashes throughout the study of James. Well, I guess that says something about what I have used to build my life. If these times of testing truly turn my entire life into ashes, then what have I done to build up the Kingdom of God? If my entire life is burnt up, what have I invested in that is worthwhile? Where should I have been investing time, if these places were not accurate? These are the questions that I face. These are the questions that I wrestle. These are the times that feel so blinded by the world that I cannot see Gods hand in the midst of the suffering. These are the times that I need Him more than ever. These are the times when He will prove to be faithful.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)

"I Know, BUT..."

How many times do we say this in our day-to-day interactions? How many times do we start making a statement, and then completely disregard the first half by saying "but" before the second?

"I really like this, but..."
"I would, but..."
"Trust me, but..."
"I understand, but..."
"It would fit, but..."
"It was great, but..."
"I love [them], but..." (ouch!)

Perhaps one of the most difficult to hear, though sometimes easiest to say, is "I know God will, but..." How can we even justify this? Honestly, we can't. Either trust that God WILL do something or that He WON'T! Some could think that this is more simple to say than do, and there are many who could try to build that case. However, when someone says "I know that God will, but..." what often follows?

"...but this time is different."
"...but I just don't understand."
"...but I can't keep holding on."
"...but He isn't answering my prayers."
"...but it feels like He's left me."
"...but it's so scary."
"...but when?"

Can times be different than before? Yes. Can we be confused about life? Yes. Is God sometimes (seemingly) "silent" or "distant" from us? Yes. Are there times when life is scary and we wonder when God will "come through" and rescue us? Yes. Emotions should not be completely disregarded or called stupid. My point is that emotions should not be used to determine whether or not God is sovereign. God is not controlled by our emotions any more than rising and setting of the sun is controlled by our emotions (aka, never!). God IS sovereign. He DOES have our best interest in mind. He IS with us. He IS holding us. Even when we feel alone and scared, HE IS in control. Period.

Tests, Trials and Economics

Have you ever felt as though no matter how much effort and work you put into making improvements, be it in life or just around your living space, that you still come up...short? What about the times when it has felt like you're just existing, but without any rhyme of reason, and then a curve ball knocks you off your feet? This is one of those times, in many ways.

Living at home after graduating from college can certainly be a challenge. Trying to find a job when feeling pressure to pursue what you thought was going to come from attending a talent showcase, and the person isn't responding to any form of communication, only adds to the challenge. "I want to know what happened to [insert name here]"...thanks, Mom. Considering that he hasn't returned any emails, and obviously has received them because I never received "an angry email" for not emailing him in the first place, I don't really give a care about "what happened to [him]." Why should my life go on hold for someone who built up my hopes of a possible career, in a city I don't even want to move to, when he obviously has no intention of actually working with me? Oh right, I shouldn't. No regrets about attending the showcase are involved. It was still a really good experience with lots of tips to implement.

But what happens next? Standard job searching, just like most people in the country. And, just like most people in the country, there is a lack of success (or even promising leads) in this market. Oh the economy. Of course very few people are going to be hiring new employees when the economy is tanked. Why would they spend more money on employees when they need to be focusing on making sales goals? Oh right, they wouldn't. Heh, yay economy. But, of course, the government isn't going to like receiving a call from me saying "Yeah, I need that deferment option for unemployment... Mhmm... Yes, I know that the President has 'saved jobs' in America... Yes, I've heard that many times... You see the problem is that these jobs aren't anywhere near where I live, or within my qualifications... Yeah... Thanks."

Obama said he wouldn't rest "until everyone in America is employed"... Well, maybe if he started actually making good changes and did things to give the unemployed Americans hope, instead of playing golf and vacationing all the time, the rate of unemployment would drop and his approval ratings would increase. But maybe that's just the opinion of a cynical, unemployed, recent college grad.

Mind the Gap!

When someone feels a calling, a desire, and it does not go away for a number of years, there is a good chance that it is there to stay. Unfortunately, the place that should be resourceful and the most welcoming of such heartfelt desires (the Church) can often be the place where someone falls through the cracks. Many young adults, male and female, do not have a place to "fit" between high school graduation and mid- to late-twenties. Why is this? Does Christ not have a place and a purpose for their lives too? Are they, for some reason, considered to be less valuable to the overall Church body and gathering of Believers? This is the time when most young adults "fall away" from their faith, because they are forced to make a decision as to whether that faith is their own, or their parents'. Where is the Church meeting this need?

There are some churches which hold small group meetings and Bible studies for ages 18-25, but word quickly travels that they feel more like matchmaking services than anything else. At least, that's how it seems in the North East.

Christ had a desire during His earthly ministry, too. When others would push the younger generations (specifically children) away, He said "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Mark 10:14-15, NASB) Jesus also prayed that Christians would be one as He and the Father, God, are one (John 17, NASB).

How is the Church united, as Jesus prayed, while the next generation is being pushed away?

God Never Wastes a Hurt....Or Challenge

It's really no secret that I have experienced a lot of hurt in life, or that it has been a long journey from college freshman to college graduate. This journey was long because of pride, shame, fear, and scars. Looking back on the first semester of college, I was very....fearful. This was not fear of being in a new place, but rather fear of being "discovered" and that people would see through my mask of being happy. Did I like the school? Yes, absolutely! The problem was that I was hiding, and still wrestling with, very tender issues. I was scared that people would be able to see through the exterior facade and see the interior darkness. I was not following God the way I should have been. I was not being honest with very many people. I was not being honest with myself. Throughout the following years, I would be forced into situations that would break down walls I had hidden behind for a long time. Leading up to graduation, and in more recent times following graduation, many people commented that I have "changed so much" and that I am "not the same person." These are comments that I have thought before, but to hear others confirm the ideas and notions is reassuring.

Now that graduation has passed, though it is still close, I can still see how God is using the hurts from the past in order to transform me into His image. Bold. Strong, if not in emotions and physique, in opinion and values. Contemplative. Free. These are just a few of the adjectives that could be used now, which could not really be used a few years ago. With all of these changes, it seems as though a new challenge is in line for the "next step" of life. Admitting this is a bit intimidating, in a sense, because I have the tendency of being a creature of habit. I like knowing if there is a plan. If a plan does exist, I like to know details, or at least some concepts and landmarks. But, God does not work on my timetable, nor does He do things according to my ideal plan. Believe me, it doesn't happen. Many situations have taught me this, sometimes in very difficult and brutal ways (remember: pride, shame, fear and scars). Throughout this learning process, God has used my personal experiences in order to help others through their difficult times. He has used my pain to provide different perspectives on life. He has used my pain to show me true freedom from the past, and that is a beautiful thing!

So where does the challenge come in to all of this? Well, as if wrestling with my own past and forcing myself to face certain forms of ugliness and evil weren't enough, there is a new challenge that has risen out of this journey. That challenge is this: So what? So. What. What am I going to do with this journey? Where can I fuel these realizations into a ministry of service to the rest of the Church? Very good questions that I think we all need to answer in order to continually serve the Body of Christ. My answer? What am I going to do? Right now, I am looking into graduate schools offering programs in leadership and ministry. Why? Because there is an entire people group that is being lost within the Church; the teenage girls and young women who experience excruciating pain and turn to alternatives of dealing with this pain. I have witnessed too many fall through the cracks because of eating disorders, self-injury, drug addiction, depression, alcoholism, etc. It's time something was done. It's time young women had a safe, secure place to turn for assistance and support in overcoming these hurdles, without only hearing they need to "read the Bible and pray more" or having their salvation called into question. It's time they had a place to turn for a holistic approach to ministry, not just putting a band-aid over the gaping wound, but dealing with the infection which has caused the sore. It's time.

We all have passions. (What are you passionate about?) We all have a calling according to God's plan. (Where do you see a need that is being neglected?) This is mine. (What's yours?)