James = Testing

Personal experience would stand to reason that whenever the book of James is being studied - be it in church, youth group, campus Bible study, wherever - my life will automatically be turned upside down and many emotional happenings will take place very close together. Well, a few weeks ago, guess what my church just started as their new series? If you guess James, you would be absolutely correct! If your first thought was "uh oh, she's going through a lot right now!" Well, you would also be correct.

Shortly before the series is James began, I heard that my cousin is going through a sex change. After that, it became increasingly evident that I am (apparently) the one family member who is not ready to completely disown him for his decision. More recently, there was quite the falling out with someone (who will remain anonymous) who had been considered a friend for years. It was very painful, and still is, and now there is the process of working through the grief of losing the friendship and reaching the point of forgiveness. It's not easy, nor do I think it will happen quickly.

It would be extremely easy to sit here, in Panera Bread, stewing over what happened (in both situations) and just letting bitterness get the better of me. That has already happened on at least one occasion and a friend had to call me out of needing an attitude adjustment. Instead, I sit here feeling a bit numb. Not knowing what to think of everything that has happened, and wondering what is going to happen next. I know that God can use these situations as learning experiences and turn them around (even if just in my attitude) to show His gory and goodness. God can use any situation in our lives to reveal more of His character....if we let Him. That is one of the most difficult things. We have to be open to God using our pain, using our weakness, and even using our flaws in order to bring our focus back to Him and His majesty. Being open means the possibility of exposing ourselves to more pain. Not because God is psychotic or taking joy in seeing us suffer. No, not because of that at all. Instead, it is like He is sending us through the fire, the testing, so that we will come out the other side looking even more like His image. He knows it hurts. He knows it's not easy. He understands all of this. He also understands that we are not, right now, as we were created to be. If we were, there wouldn't be sin in the world. There wouldn't be pain in the first place.

If my life is going to be repeatedly turned upside down and turned to ashes throughout the study of James. Well, I guess that says something about what I have used to build my life. If these times of testing truly turn my entire life into ashes, then what have I done to build up the Kingdom of God? If my entire life is burnt up, what have I invested in that is worthwhile? Where should I have been investing time, if these places were not accurate? These are the questions that I face. These are the questions that I wrestle. These are the times that feel so blinded by the world that I cannot see Gods hand in the midst of the suffering. These are the times that I need Him more than ever. These are the times when He will prove to be faithful.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)

"I Know, BUT..."

How many times do we say this in our day-to-day interactions? How many times do we start making a statement, and then completely disregard the first half by saying "but" before the second?

"I really like this, but..."
"I would, but..."
"Trust me, but..."
"I understand, but..."
"It would fit, but..."
"It was great, but..."
"I love [them], but..." (ouch!)

Perhaps one of the most difficult to hear, though sometimes easiest to say, is "I know God will, but..." How can we even justify this? Honestly, we can't. Either trust that God WILL do something or that He WON'T! Some could think that this is more simple to say than do, and there are many who could try to build that case. However, when someone says "I know that God will, but..." what often follows?

"...but this time is different."
"...but I just don't understand."
"...but I can't keep holding on."
"...but He isn't answering my prayers."
"...but it feels like He's left me."
"...but it's so scary."
"...but when?"

Can times be different than before? Yes. Can we be confused about life? Yes. Is God sometimes (seemingly) "silent" or "distant" from us? Yes. Are there times when life is scary and we wonder when God will "come through" and rescue us? Yes. Emotions should not be completely disregarded or called stupid. My point is that emotions should not be used to determine whether or not God is sovereign. God is not controlled by our emotions any more than rising and setting of the sun is controlled by our emotions (aka, never!). God IS sovereign. He DOES have our best interest in mind. He IS with us. He IS holding us. Even when we feel alone and scared, HE IS in control. Period.

Tests, Trials and Economics

Have you ever felt as though no matter how much effort and work you put into making improvements, be it in life or just around your living space, that you still come up...short? What about the times when it has felt like you're just existing, but without any rhyme of reason, and then a curve ball knocks you off your feet? This is one of those times, in many ways.

Living at home after graduating from college can certainly be a challenge. Trying to find a job when feeling pressure to pursue what you thought was going to come from attending a talent showcase, and the person isn't responding to any form of communication, only adds to the challenge. "I want to know what happened to [insert name here]"...thanks, Mom. Considering that he hasn't returned any emails, and obviously has received them because I never received "an angry email" for not emailing him in the first place, I don't really give a care about "what happened to [him]." Why should my life go on hold for someone who built up my hopes of a possible career, in a city I don't even want to move to, when he obviously has no intention of actually working with me? Oh right, I shouldn't. No regrets about attending the showcase are involved. It was still a really good experience with lots of tips to implement.

But what happens next? Standard job searching, just like most people in the country. And, just like most people in the country, there is a lack of success (or even promising leads) in this market. Oh the economy. Of course very few people are going to be hiring new employees when the economy is tanked. Why would they spend more money on employees when they need to be focusing on making sales goals? Oh right, they wouldn't. Heh, yay economy. But, of course, the government isn't going to like receiving a call from me saying "Yeah, I need that deferment option for unemployment... Mhmm... Yes, I know that the President has 'saved jobs' in America... Yes, I've heard that many times... You see the problem is that these jobs aren't anywhere near where I live, or within my qualifications... Yeah... Thanks."

Obama said he wouldn't rest "until everyone in America is employed"... Well, maybe if he started actually making good changes and did things to give the unemployed Americans hope, instead of playing golf and vacationing all the time, the rate of unemployment would drop and his approval ratings would increase. But maybe that's just the opinion of a cynical, unemployed, recent college grad.

Mind the Gap!

When someone feels a calling, a desire, and it does not go away for a number of years, there is a good chance that it is there to stay. Unfortunately, the place that should be resourceful and the most welcoming of such heartfelt desires (the Church) can often be the place where someone falls through the cracks. Many young adults, male and female, do not have a place to "fit" between high school graduation and mid- to late-twenties. Why is this? Does Christ not have a place and a purpose for their lives too? Are they, for some reason, considered to be less valuable to the overall Church body and gathering of Believers? This is the time when most young adults "fall away" from their faith, because they are forced to make a decision as to whether that faith is their own, or their parents'. Where is the Church meeting this need?

There are some churches which hold small group meetings and Bible studies for ages 18-25, but word quickly travels that they feel more like matchmaking services than anything else. At least, that's how it seems in the North East.

Christ had a desire during His earthly ministry, too. When others would push the younger generations (specifically children) away, He said "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Mark 10:14-15, NASB) Jesus also prayed that Christians would be one as He and the Father, God, are one (John 17, NASB).

How is the Church united, as Jesus prayed, while the next generation is being pushed away?

God Never Wastes a Hurt....Or Challenge

It's really no secret that I have experienced a lot of hurt in life, or that it has been a long journey from college freshman to college graduate. This journey was long because of pride, shame, fear, and scars. Looking back on the first semester of college, I was very....fearful. This was not fear of being in a new place, but rather fear of being "discovered" and that people would see through my mask of being happy. Did I like the school? Yes, absolutely! The problem was that I was hiding, and still wrestling with, very tender issues. I was scared that people would be able to see through the exterior facade and see the interior darkness. I was not following God the way I should have been. I was not being honest with very many people. I was not being honest with myself. Throughout the following years, I would be forced into situations that would break down walls I had hidden behind for a long time. Leading up to graduation, and in more recent times following graduation, many people commented that I have "changed so much" and that I am "not the same person." These are comments that I have thought before, but to hear others confirm the ideas and notions is reassuring.

Now that graduation has passed, though it is still close, I can still see how God is using the hurts from the past in order to transform me into His image. Bold. Strong, if not in emotions and physique, in opinion and values. Contemplative. Free. These are just a few of the adjectives that could be used now, which could not really be used a few years ago. With all of these changes, it seems as though a new challenge is in line for the "next step" of life. Admitting this is a bit intimidating, in a sense, because I have the tendency of being a creature of habit. I like knowing if there is a plan. If a plan does exist, I like to know details, or at least some concepts and landmarks. But, God does not work on my timetable, nor does He do things according to my ideal plan. Believe me, it doesn't happen. Many situations have taught me this, sometimes in very difficult and brutal ways (remember: pride, shame, fear and scars). Throughout this learning process, God has used my personal experiences in order to help others through their difficult times. He has used my pain to provide different perspectives on life. He has used my pain to show me true freedom from the past, and that is a beautiful thing!

So where does the challenge come in to all of this? Well, as if wrestling with my own past and forcing myself to face certain forms of ugliness and evil weren't enough, there is a new challenge that has risen out of this journey. That challenge is this: So what? So. What. What am I going to do with this journey? Where can I fuel these realizations into a ministry of service to the rest of the Church? Very good questions that I think we all need to answer in order to continually serve the Body of Christ. My answer? What am I going to do? Right now, I am looking into graduate schools offering programs in leadership and ministry. Why? Because there is an entire people group that is being lost within the Church; the teenage girls and young women who experience excruciating pain and turn to alternatives of dealing with this pain. I have witnessed too many fall through the cracks because of eating disorders, self-injury, drug addiction, depression, alcoholism, etc. It's time something was done. It's time young women had a safe, secure place to turn for assistance and support in overcoming these hurdles, without only hearing they need to "read the Bible and pray more" or having their salvation called into question. It's time they had a place to turn for a holistic approach to ministry, not just putting a band-aid over the gaping wound, but dealing with the infection which has caused the sore. It's time.

We all have passions. (What are you passionate about?) We all have a calling according to God's plan. (Where do you see a need that is being neglected?) This is mine. (What's yours?)

Lessons from the Sower

Since graduation, my life has become 100% about ministry in the church, and it's kinda crazy. Three out of the seven days in a week are spent doing something ministry related. One of those days, Sunday, has more than one ministry on the same day. Most people would look at this and say "you're crazy! Aren't you burning out?" Well, to be honest....I love it! Being able to serve with others is an amazing privilege. One that I would not wish to trade. Unfortunately, it may become more difficult to be so heavily involved in ministry once I find a job (sad day), but in order to keep ministering in such ways, a source of income will be needed! At some point over this next year, I am likely to become more involved in ministries as well. I have been approached to possibly help with a drama ministry, and also know that Dove Singers will begin in January and run through April (two Sundays before Easter). My life is about to be completely consumed with ministry, and the part that hurts the most is knowing that something may need to be cut back with the addition of a job...whenever that happens.

Tuesday night, I was struck with this even a bit more during the Youth Bible study. The group has been going over Bible study fundamentals (observation, interpretation, application), and this past Tuesday was the application night. It was great to hear some of the questions and comments that were raised and shared.

Tuesday night we were discussing Matthew 13, specifically the parable of the sower and the seeds. Here is a copy of the text (Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23. NIV):

"That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop - a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear. ... ... Listen to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."

Alright, without going through all of the individual steps of Bible study right here, I'd like to share what stands out to me in this passage.

First, the sower didn't stop and think about whether the soil was "ready" for the "seed" in any of these instances. He went out and did his job of sowing the seeds on all soil. How many times, as Christians, do we sit back wondering if a person is ready to hear the Gospel? Unfortunately, I would say too many times... The sower went out, did his job, and left the individual responsibility up to the individuals.

Second, and this will sound similar to the first in the beginning, the seeds were sown everywhere...no matter what. This reminds me of the passage where it says "man is left without excuse" (Rom. 1:20). The evidence of God is everywhere; in creation, in beauty, in people (we are all made in HIS image), and it should be in the lives of those who love Him. The attitudes and behaviors of Christians should also be such that people are left without an excuse. Yeah, that's not convicting at all....

Third, verse 9 ends by saying "he who has ears, let him hear." This is again said at the end of the seven letters to the seven churches in Revelation. I'm not entirely sure what the parallel between Matthew and Revelation would be, but I do know that this (once again) places the responsibility on the individual. The Truth is displayed for all to see, but it is up to each person as to whether the grasp the Truth, and then it is up to the individual as to what they do with the Truth. Much like the seeds and the soil in the parable, itself. Hmm, full circle, double smack upside the head, anyone?

Fourth, have you ever considered the size of a seed? I realize that different types of seeds come in different sizes. For example, a squash seed is far smaller than a pumpkin seed. I get that.... But have you ever considered the size of a seed, any kind of seed, to the size of a weed? Or perhaps the size of a garden? Or maybe even the size of road? Some roads stretch clear across the country! If seeds are to be planted, and to grab people's attention and make them go "oh what's this?" shouldn't those seeds be rather....potent? Shouldn't those seeds be some of the most interesting seeds ever? Then what are we doing, as Christians, sitting around and not getting outside of our own doors and interacting with people?? No wonder the world thinks we're so mysterious and almost like a cult! Along with this, the sower had to go out! He didn't wait for the soil to come to him! Oh no, he went out into the world of soil and said "here, if you're interested, this seed will be sitting here. If not, well, someone else will take it, I'm sure."

Fifth, we need to be tending to our own gardens, as well as sowing seeds, to make sure that we do not become overrun with weeds and thorns. We need to make sure that, as we are sowing seeds, we are not allowing our own gardens to be polluted by things that will choke out our plants. We are commanded to be ready to give answer as to the hope that we have (1 Peter 3:15), how are we supposed to be ready if our roots have become shallow and our gardens have been overrun by thorny weeds?

Brothers and sisters, we have been called to be in the world, but not of the world. Please, let us sow the seeds of His Word without hesitation. Let us stop living in such a way that gives men an excuse for not encountering Christ. And let us hold each other accountable for tending to our gardens.

Let us do as we have been called. Let us be the Church. Let us be found faithful.

I've heard it so many times....

"You can't steer a car that's not moving."

"You can't sail a ship that's not sailing."

No matter how you phrase it, the point is this: If you are stagnant, not moving, how are you going to know where to go? I have heard it a lot over this past year, and then heard it a bit more over this past week when visiting friends in Colorado. The reasoning behind it is understandable, and even more with getting used to driving a stick-shift car, but sometimes I get stuck in a rut of comfort.

Throughout this past year at school, I started to second guess the idea of going to grad school. Last summer, it sounded great! If I'm good at something (being a student), why stop? It seems logical, right? But then senior year started and I quickly started to burn out on academia and just lived for the weekend, the next break, the afternoon nap where I could shut off my brain...something that didn't require a lot of thinking of productivity. Some people would blame this on senioritis, or just laziness, and it could be chalked up to that in a lot of cases. But I notice a distinct pattern in my life: I like comfort! Comfort is awesome, and can be found in many places. A good cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate, a good book/play, a favorite movie, your favorite scented candle, a fuzzy blanket, a good conversation, a prayer, a bear hug from a good friend, a back massage, a bubble bath.... The list could go on and on, and I definitely like comfort. But sometimes I wonder if this could be a bad thing. Everyone needs a little comfort now and then, but when comfort becomes the norm, does it lose its comforting effect? If you always watch the same movie for a sense of comfort, wouldn't it get redundant after a while, and not really comfort you when you feel like a tornado just destroyed your life?

Grad school had become a comfort idea. I mean, after 16+ years of school with high school and summer jobs sprinkled throughout the experience, school had become comfortable. Get up, go to class (if there was one before chapel), go to chapel, go to more classes, eat lunch, go to class, go to the dorm, work on homework or sleep, go to dinner/chill with friends, do homework, watch a movie, go to sleep (maybe). Repeat 5 days of the week, maintain a (not so) steady diet of cafeteria food, and *poof* you are a college student. After a while it just become routine. Predictable. You expect to have class in the mornings and afternoons, you expect to have chapel at 10am Monday through Friday, you expect to either spend time with friends or do homework over the weekend. It's all routine. Nothing by routine. Especially by the time of senior year. This is why I was hesitant to continue thinking about, and pursuing, grad school. Was I just wanting more routine? Was I just wanting more predictability? Those ideas quickly went away.

Now it's after graduation. I'm sitting here in my room, still unemployed, following the predictable schedule of volunteering at church with the music team and youth group. Why? Well, because I love volunteering in those positions. Also because some people would probably cry if I didn't help in some respect. But it's routine. If I could live like this for the rest of my life, would I? Nope. Because at this point, I have been so trained to be active, even if in a routine of the same approximate schedule every day, that I cannot stand sitting around home. "Get a job" some of you may be saying. Well, that's a bit easier said than done. In case you hadn't looked recently, the job market sucks. I mean, it royally sucks. "Something is better than nothing." Well, that may be true for some people, but I don't want to do just "something." I want to be a part of something great. Something awesome. Something so big that I know it has to be God orchestrating everything, and not me taking things into my own hands and playing with the clay of my future. Nope, I need to feel small (in a healthy way) compared to everything else in the world.

How does someone do this? They move to Colorado! "Wait, what?! I thought this was about grad school??" Well, it is....the grad school that I am really liking at this point is located in Denver. I have checked out the website, looked at the different programs they offer, and have now requested information. Yup. I'm taking a step and trusting that God will work out the details.

Remember, "You can't fly a plane that's not running." And I don't want to fly...I want to soar!