Chapter After Chapter

I still cannot believe that it was over one year ago that I walked across the stage to receive my diploma from Cedarville University and become a college graduate. It baffles my mind to think that four years of college education came to a conclusion, and that I started the next adventure, over a year ago. Now, all the students who entered as freshman during my sophomore year have graduated and began their next adventures in the world, and the youth that I started working with last year are graduating. Where does the time go? I feel as though so much time has passed, and yet no time at all. Is that strange? So many of my friends are now married or engaged, others are preparing for college, and some are going on to grad school. Many of my friends are living their dreams - the same dreams the talked about during our years in college.

I attended the graduation party of one of the youth group girls this afternoon. She is someone who reminds me a lot of myself in some ways - she loves acting and modeling, and is going to take a year off in order to afford college education, to follow her dreams. I may not have taken a year off, but I did insist on following my dreams, and it is because of this, that I see a lot of myself in her. I only pray that she will continue to remain close to God throughout all of these new adventures, and that she will always follow her dreams - no matter what.

On the drive home, I began to think back to my own graduation party five years ago. (Dang, was it really that long ago...?) So many people were supportive of my wanting to attend Cedarville, supportive of my wanting to be involved in theatre, and were convinced that it was the place God wanted me to be for four years. I think back to the cards that were received, which I still have in my room, and all the encouraging notes that were written. Notes of how God was going to use me for big things in the future, reminders of how strong I have become over the years, and encouragement that there would be many prayers for my continued strength and faith in Christ. I remember feeling so loved, so treasured, so much like everyone wanted to see me succeed.

Now that I've graduated, what am I doing to live out those warm wishes for success? It seems like so many warm wishes are given around graduations, but what about the rest of the time? Of course we all need encouragement around graduation, and it's awesome to know that others are celebrating with us - believe me, I am not downplaying the importance of sharing in such excitement! I am merely wondering why it is that so often we don't (or just "forget") to encourage and share in the excitement of day-to-day life? Doesn't everyone need some encouragement during the difficult times? Doesn't everyone like to know that others are celebrating in the little victories that make a huge difference in future? I think we should always be willing to share an encouraging word, pray with a friend who needs it, and celebrate with those who have triumphed over a challenge...even if it seems small to the world.

Maybe I'm just feeling this way because, even with having a four-year degree, I am still working in a restaurant. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I'm using the knowledge that was poured into me during those four years of college. Or maybe it's because I recognize a need that should be filled in the world, and that friendships should be treasured - because new adventures come along, and sometimes those new adventures take people away from us.

God's Will is Always Perfect....

....even when we don't understand. This is one of the most difficult facts to understand sometimes. I suppose that is why it is called faith. Believing in what you cannot see, certain of the things you cannot explain.

God is good.... He has brought a wonderful man into my life and I cannot wait to see him again. Yes, we are long distance. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, God is good. We talk on the phone every night for at least a little while - sometimes that means a few hours (thank you nights and weekends!), and sometimes it is only a few minutes. Regardless of how long we talk, or what we talk about, it is a blessing. I am proud to call him my boyfriend and cannot help but smile when we are together....even when only connected by the sound waves of a phone. Yes, God is good and takes us by surprise to prove His goodness.

God is good.... He has provided a job that has been enough to sustain bill payments being made on time, though not always comfortably. No defaulting on loans has happened, and that is a blessing. He has allowed me to travel to weddings and to see the boyfriend in Penn. God is good. He has provided and proven Himself faithful....again and again.

God is good.... Even though we do not understand why a little girl was taken Home at such a young age (not even one day old), He gave her parents time to hold and love her outside of the womb. God is good. the delivery was successful. God is good. He shows His love through the prayers and encouragement of others. God is good - His will is perfect - even when we don't understand. God is good. I don't understand why this has happened to two people who are very special to me, but it has... All I can do is pray for them, even though I would much rather drive to see them in Virginia and love them the same way they loved me during difficult times in high school. Even with wanting to do more, and feeling so helpless to do anything, God is good. He will use every situation in life to prove His faithfulness. He will use the hurts to prove His sufficiency. And if we understood everything that He will do with these situations, we probably wouldn't believe it could happen anyway. So for now, I trust that He is working in the background. Working in ways that we cannot see. Working to make the next chapter and scene beautiful. Working to produce gold out of our tarnished lives. Working. Working....

When I cannot believe the visible circumstances, I believe in the invisible God. He is better than all else. He is all we need. He is ALL!

Service Oriented Business

It wasn't too long ago that I had wondered how to incorporate paying student loans with serving and encouraging my sisters in Christ. Now, it appears that God is opening a door (or two) for this to happen. I am becoming a business woman. Weird right? Well, it's happening. I can't even begin to explain how many times each day I bounce between excitement and anxiety over this new adventure. This is a risk, especially with not getting many hours at the restaurant and having a few hundred dollars of loan payments due in a few weeks, but I know that God is in control and that I am joining a strong group of women who have walked this path before. This is something that excites me and causes me to process and plan in a way that I have not experienced since changing majors in college. The blend between excitement and anxiety is intimidating, but exhilarating. I am opening my own business, from this little house where I grew up and learned so many other life skills, and it's going to be a challenge.

Speaking of it being a challenge, this is not something that I can do on my own. Please pray for me as I embark on this journey and let me know if you would like to be involved in other ways as well. There are other ways to be involved, and if you would like to know more about those opportunities, please contact me (email, facebook, or cell phone) and I will be more than happy to share and discuss the possibilities.

Open Doors

It's no secret that sometimes I feel as though I'm walking down a dad end road, wondering when the opportunity to use the skills I learned in college will arise. Well, apparently, some of those opportunities are now being made known.

This past Sunday, my church held a Harvest Party as an alternative to halloween and trick-or-treating. Each year, the men have a chili cook-off, it's awesome! No really, a youth group member won this year, knocking out a reigning 3-4 year champion, it really is awesome! Anyways, backing up to the main point. Anyways, I was approached by the worship team leader about helping to coordinate and pull together the Christmas Eve service. In previous years, he and the worship team administrator have pulled it together, but the administrator doesn't have time this year. So, seeing as how I just graduated from a theatre program, they decided "hey, why not give her a platform to use her gifts and abilities to edify the church and glorify God?" So, I have now been asked to write the narration/story/script for the Christmas Eve service while the worship team leader works on the music aspect of the service, like recruiting a choir and pulling together the musical selections. Obviously, Christmas is is going to come up very, very quickly and there is not a lot of time to pull the service together.... BUT! I am very thankful for this opportunity to use the gifts that God has given and the skills that have been learned and practiced over the past four years! :D

In other news, one of my friends from school has recently been cast in the role of Mark Cohen in RENT! Yup, the awesome (though sometimes controversial) musical about artists, AIDS, and the new millennium. Remember, as the playwright and lyricist (Jonathan Larson) said and incorporated into the music: "The opposite of war isn't peace; it's creation!" Anywho, since he was recently cast as, essentially, the lead (because he narrates everything and is in most every scene) of the play...and because I did my final project for dramaturgy on this play, he said that we will probably be talking a lot in the near future. So excited for him to have this opportunity of playing the complex, adorable, quirky role of Mark! Also excited to have the opportunity and privilege of helping him develop characterization and gain knowledge of the history of the play!

God is so good!

"Guard Your Heart"

A lot of times, mainly in Christian circles, whenever someone says "guard your heart" it is in regards to relationships....and then begins the list of what to, and not to, do in order to achieve said guarding: Don't get too close. Do be careful. Don't give too much away. Do protect your emotions, etc. The list can be seemingly endless, and it certainly doesn't seem helpful to those who are single at the time. In the devotional that I am working through right now ("Single Purpose" by H. Norman Wright. Amazing. Get it.) there is a day with the title "Guard Your Heart." Naturally, growing up in the Christian community and knowing that this devotional is specifically geared towards singles, the list previously mentioned immediately started going through my mind, and I was tempted to skip to the next day's reading. However, that would have left a pit of guilt in my gut, even though God and I would be the only ones to know it was skipped, and so I read it anyway. It was greatly surprising how the author took a cliche phrase and turned it around to talk about worry, instead of directly talking about relationships. It was awesome! The whole reading was about protecting your heart from worry and becoming overwhelmed by worrisome thoughts instead of focusing on God and that He will provide His perfect peace to those who maintain a focus on Him.

Here is a little excerpt from the reading:

"Worry is best represented by the familiar scene at the Snake River in the Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming where colonies of beavers live along the riverbanks. Often you can see trees that are at various stages of being gnawed to the ground by the beavers. Some trees have slight rings around their trunks where these busy little animals have just begun to chew. Some manifest a barrenness where several inches of bark have been eaten away; others have already fallen to the ground because the beavers have gnawed through their trunks. Worry can have the same effect upon you. It can gradually eat away at your heart and mind until it has destroyed you!"

[SINGLE PURPOSE, H. Norman Wright. Page 45.]

Ok, I know that doesn't sound very encouraging. But reading this paragraph made me, a self-proclaimed worrier at heart, really stop and think about all the things that I let bother me when some of those things really don't matter. Oh, ok, so I may have made a tiny mistake at work. Whoops. "Mistakes can be fixed" as one of my co-workers told me in a pep talk. The devotional then points to Psalm 37, which is powerful!

"1FRET NOT yourself because of evildoers, neither be envious against those who work unrighteousness (that which is not upright or in right standing with God).
2For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
3Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
4Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.
5Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
6And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.
7Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.
8Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself--it tends only to evildoing.
9For evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait and hope and look for the Lord [in the end] shall inherit the earth.
10For yet a little while, and the evildoers will be no more; though you look with care where they used to be, they will not be found.

[PSALM 37:1-10, AMP]

The devotional is quick to point out that this passage gives a substitute to worry; Rely on God. Trust in Him. Depend upon His peace. The challenge, and practical application, is to write "STOP!" in huge letters on one side of a note card. On the other side, to write Philippians 4:6-9, the whole text. Whenever you find yourself starting to worry, find a quite place, hold up the card with the "STOP!" side facing you, then turn it over and read the verses out loud. Do this twice. Of course, if you cannot find a quite place to be alone, you can still do this, through the book recommends doing it silently if you are in a group ;)

To be completely honest, I do struggle with worry....of many kinds. It could be worry about my own (physical) life, worry about others, worry about situations that may or may not happen, worry about finances, worry about family members' health, etc. It can be easy to be overcome with worry when looking at the grand scheme of things. Or, looking at one side of the grand scheme. When focusing on the REAL grand scheme of life, why worry about these things? Not to sound as though I don't care about financial independence or the well-being of my family, because I do care! My point is this: Worry is an attack on faith (something else the devotional pointed out in a different reading). Why would I worry about these things if I truly trusted that God is in control? Honestly, I probably wouldn't. Therefore, I am making a goal for myself, to actually make a personal STOP sign and carry it with me. At work, in the car, in airplane flights (goodness knows I worry about those!), everywhere. In fact, it is high on my to-do list for tomorrow. Considering that I am giving this challenge to myself, I would also like to give this challenge to everyone else who also struggles with worry (and most of us probably have at one time or another).

6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
7And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

[PHILIPPIANS 4:6-9, NASB]

Extreme Makeover: Future Edition

It seems to be in the times of greatest confusion that people are most willing AND most reluctant to submit to God's plan. Let me explain... When we are confused, and honestly don't know what to do about a situation or what is going to happen next, how is there a way to prepare? Well, there really is not a way to prepare. So, because of this, it is easier to submit to God's plan because He has the best in mind for His children. At the same time, it is difficult to submit to His will, because of the not knowing what will happen next or how to prepare. After all, "it's my life, I know what's best for me"....right? SURE! Well, other than the reality that humans don't know everything, and the deeply significant theological fallacies of such thinking. Zing!

Last night was a difficult night to fall asleep quickly because I could not stop thinking about certain topics; namely, my future. As mentioned in previous writings, maybe this is partly attributed to knowing so many people who are getting married and finding positions in - or related to - their chosen careers. Working as a restaurant hostess isn't exactly why I went to college for four years, even though some would say it's completely in my league because of the whole theatre major aspect. Funny right? Maybe the first time a bit of "encouragement" is shared, but after a while, it becomes more discouraging. What am I doing with my life? Towards what goals and aspirations am I striving? Am I striving at all? What sets me apart from almost every other 20-something who has recently graduated from college and is living at home again while trying to get on her feet?

Before the weekend, I spent the day (quite literally!) with a wonderful friend from church. It started out as a lunch date, as usual, but then turned into an all-day date where we talked about nearly everything under the sun while caring after her adorable 13-month baby boy (who is growing WAY too fast, btw). We talked about how it can be so strange being right out of college and single (though she married soon after graduation), and how there are so many choices for women these days that, often times, we are not prepared to face. It seems like not too long ago that women were expected to be stay-at-home moms and homemakers, or to be a secretary. None of this variety that now exists for women! She and I talked about how we really need to make the most of the situations we are in, regardless of whether they are what we want to be doing for eternity, and not overlook the present for the sake of looking towards the future. We also need to be preparing for the future now, instead of just thinking "oh, I'll deal with that later when it happens." There is something to be said for planning in advance, even though there are situations that are nearly impossible to predict. That being said, we shouldn't let the planning ahead become obsessive or paranoid. The instances we discussed were more along the lines of preparing for what you would like to do/be in the future. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom and wife, why not experiment in cooking? And before anyone makes the argument that this comment is sexist, lets just step back and look at the reality that cooking is a skill that can be appreciated by all, regardless of their marital status. Cooking can be fun for some people, and others can enjoy from the practice, whether that is because you are hosting company or because you work as a chef. Cooking is appreciated by all. If you want to have a full-time career outside of the home, why not prepare for that career? Working on communication, organizational, leadership, and computer skills are requirements for a variety of different fields!

There seems to be such a delicate balance between trying to prepare for the future, and also being content in the present...something that I seem to struggle with, especially recently. Certainly, prepare for the future, but also make the most of those preparation situations and relationships that are formed throughout the learning and experimenting! Does that make sense?

While reading my devotional last night, there was an illustration from Dr. James Dobson that, basically, tells the story of a man who kept writing out his goals and his plans for his life. At the bottom of the page, he signed his name and said "Ok, God, here you go!" He didn't hear God respond, so he looked at the list again, thinking he missed something, and then gave it back to God again. Still....nothing. Then He heard God say to take paper and tear it. The moral of the story was that God doesn't want our lists of plans and ideas with our names signed at the bottom. Instead, God wants us to hand Him a piece of paper with nothing but our signatures, then He can fill in the blanks. Cliche? If so, only because people have probably heard this analogy before and have grown tired of hearing it repeatedly, labeling it trite. However, to the Christians who respond in this way, disregarding the wisdom of this story, I want to remind them of Psalm 55 8-9 which says "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Feel intimidated? Well, in one way I want to say "GOOD!" because God is way more powerful and mysterious than we can hope to fully comprehend. One the other hand, I offer this encouragement from Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Life is confusing. Let's not pretend that it is something different; God does not always tell us His plan in advance. However, let us never forget that, even though we may not know what exactly what is waiting in the future, He already has a plan. We just need to be ready and willing to follow. Whatever He plans.

"I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan, it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just

Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever

So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do...

Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever

I am not own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever"

~Whatever, Steven Curtis Chapman~

Lack of Contentment or Abundance of Purpose?

Something that I have been struggling with lately is whether or not I am, overall, lacking in contentment or just desiring to do something BIG in life because of the purpose that Christ has given to life? It is a difficult situation/existence to think about, especially since they can seem to be very similar in nature, until you reach the underlying issues. Let me provide some examples as to the situations that have caused this thought process....

The first, and obvious, observation: Weddings. Many of my friends are in very fulfilling and beautiful relationships. They range from dating to marriage and, from what I have observed, they are very God honoring. Am I happy/content with where my life stands right now? Well, it's really nice to not feel pressure to look a certain way for a significant other at the weddings, and to have the freedom of dancing like a maniac with a group of girls. Seriously! At the same time, during the slow dance songs, do I sit at the table and desire to dance with my husband to those types of songs? Well, duh! It is so obvious that the couples are in love by the way they dance together, hold each other, and look into each others eyes. Of course I long to share in a relationship like that with someone!

The second observation: Job(s). I am very thankful to have a job, even though there have been some times when I want to cry after a day of training. On one hand, I am very content to stay in this location, build up work credibility (considering I have not had much more than a summer job since high school), and decrease the amount of money I owe the government. On the other hand, I see my friends finding jobs in their desired fields (or at least related to their desired fields) while I am living at home, working as a restaurant hostess, and wondering how on earth I'll find the means and resources to achieve the dreams and goals that are set out before me.

Third observation: Restlessness. While this may seem like an automatic sign of discontent, could it not also be a sign of desiring to do something MORE in life than what I am currently doing from day-to-day? There is an overall desire to do something that is out of the ordinary, to be a part of something so much bigger than the day-to-day activities of running a few errands, going to work, and trying to make sure my grandma is doing alright. God has seemed to bless me the most, over the months since graduation and even before the summer, in ministry opportunities. I have been involved in ministries for almost as long as I can remember, even if it was just singing in the children's Christmas choir as a chubby-cheeked toddler. Over the past five months, I have been throwing myself into ministries, which has been amazing! Now that I have found a job, which is a blessing in it's own way, I feel trapped and boxed-in. It is like I do not feel the freedom to just pick up and go on ministry events. Weekend youth group activities? That doesn't work so well in the restaurant business, no matter how great an opportunity it is for the youth, and no matter how much I may want to go as well. Am I thankful for a job to help pay bills? Certainly. Do I also feel as though ministry sacrifices are already having to be made for the sake of this job? Absolutely.

Where is the line to be drawn between not being content and knowing that there is something more in life? Is there a clear line? Obviously, if there is something more in life, shouldn't we be in pursuit of attaining that "more" in the distance? If someone is pursuing that "more" they see, does it automatically equate to discontentment? I would surely hope not! If these are equal to each other, how could Paul, Timothy and the author of Hebrews tell us to be content, and that they have reached contentment in every situation? Certainly they did not give up on the calling the God of the Universe had placed over their lives! Where is the balance between contentment in the present, and the pursuit of God's call? Fisherman gave up all they had known - everything - in order to follow Jesus during His earthly ministry. At the same time, they held on to what they needed, what God had ordained they would need, in order to accomplish the plans that He had individually made for them. Even with trying to find the balance between contentment and pursuing my calling, I must ask similar questions. What am I willing to give up - even if it is treasured, considered valuable, or even viewed as a necessity? What am I willing to keep, even if it is like a "thorn in my side" (2 Cor. 12:6-8)?